Again

Well Hello!
I'm back... from outter space? No, the holiday's are here! These last few weeks at work were incredibly busy (when is teaching not busy?) and finally Christmas is here!
A rundown of events the last few weeks:

BFN - at this point I don't know what else to expect. The Dong Qu*ai only succeeded in making me constipated

Unable to do an IUI this month because I will be in Nor Cal for the week that I would be inseminated. So hopefully next month (see below)

Summoned for Jury Duty Jan 20th. That is the first day of the new semester at work (and I teach Civics which is a senior semester course, so that means potentially my first day with 80 new students there will be a sub - yuk!) AND, if my calculations are correct, that is when my next cycle should start. Can I use infertility as an excuse to get out of jury duty? It seems like that should be fair game, because our plan to do an IUI wouldn't work if I can't get to the dr's office until well after their closed. Pooh.

I do want to say some HUGE congratulations to all of you who have gotten BFP's! I am so glad you shared your journey's with us and hope you continue to do so.

Alright, I'm heading to Grandma's house tomorrow and there is no internet there (can you imagine?) so I'll be looking forward to reading more awesome stories when I get back. Take care ladies and I'll be checking in periodically!

Here's to Knocked up '09!

Too Long!

Hello out there... Hello... Anyone there?
This blog is so boring when I'm not complaining about being infertile.
So here's the latest...
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It was great. Last weekend my DH and I went to Las Vegas. We stayed at the ho.tel at mand.alay bay. It was really fun! I hadn't been to Las Vegas ever as an adult (meaning we didn't stay at someone's parents house for free and go to the Saharah for Dollar Black jack).
We ditched work on Friday (woo hoo!) and drove out on Thursday after school. It only took about 3 1/2 hours. I can't imagine sitting in traffic again to do that on a holiday weekend.
We didn't do anything Thursday night we were so tired from the week and Thanksgiving.
Friday we walked up and down the strip just people watching and trying to avoid the porn on the streets. And I discovered... video poker. Um, can I just say, 'awesome'. I am a pro (a pro that ended with 33 dollars less than we she started the weekend).
Friday night we ate at steak.craft - the restaurant owned by Tom Colicc.io from Top Che.f (if you watch that, it's a great show). It was a fancy meal and served as a great birtdhday gift from my dh.
Saturday we slept in (which for teachers means laying in bed until 7:30... I can't sleep in anymore!) and played the slots a bit waiting for my brother and sister in law to arrive. They came for just Saturday night to watch Bette Mid.dler with us. Bette was very entertaining, although there was this section in the middle where she was a mermaid for about 20 minutes. That wasn't so great. But other than that, I really thought her show was great.
Sunday we hung out and then drove back in the afternoon. Overall, a great weekend.

Then last night my mom had some of my family over for a 'small' party. It was fun. I haven't had an actual birthday 'party' for a while. I like to do things, but rarely just let people bake me food and bring me presents. I've got to remember that for next year, it was awesome!

Now I find myself waiting anxiously for the next two weeks to be over and for christmas break to be here. I'm also waiting anxiously for the weekend to see if I'm finally pg. I'm hoping a little, but I'm trying really hard not to let myself even think about it (right). I'm not even flipping back the calendar to see when AF is due. Maybe that's why I haven't posted a bunch lately. I'm trying to hold on. The plan is still to do an IUI in January (because in December I'll be out of town during ovulation - getting it on at Grandma's house is going to be interesting, although it has been done before (ha!).

There's more but other than that things are going really well and I'm looking forward to the weekend.
I'm still following all of you ladies' blogs, but I can't comment from google reader since blogspot is blocked, but I'm praying for you guys and think about your struggles (and successes!) often.

Alright, the bed is calling...

I Got Called Horny By My Husband

Let's just say that is a switch from the way things usually go.

It's so freeing after any number of rounds of clomid or assisted reproduction to be able to have 'el amor' whenever you want. Last month I was a little extreme, but during the 2ww I put myself on pelvic rest (after 2 1/2 years I'm getting desperate to see what will work). So this cycle, it's just been us. And then, while I was in the middle of enjoying this cycle, I decided to take a opk and on the second day I tried (cycle day 12) I got the happy face for the LH surge. So then we bd'd a few more times. So today, my husband said, "okay horny, do you want to go again?" I laughed and thought about how differed sex is when it's for fun or for baby.

Hopefully God will reward us this month for our bedroom activities.
By the way, I took that herb Don*g Quai (day 7 through ovulation) and I didn't notice much except I was constipated. Could've been a coincidence, but I'm thinking not.
Now, only two more weeks to wait. No problem, right?

Oh, and last night, we went to our friends A and A, they have a 'leftover thankgiving' feast the day after thanksgiving for friends. We went and walked into a house with 12 children and 14 adults. Even my husband mentioned how ironic it is that no matter where you go, you can't seem to get away from babies. I'm not bitter (this month anyway), but sometimes it sure does feel like God is getting a good laugh at our expense. But there were two single girls there and I most assuredly would rather be married without kids to an awesome man than single and thinking your neice will bring a man home before you do. So that perspective was helpful.

Church tomorrow and then Las Vegas next weekend (to start celebrating my 30th on the 9th!).
Enjoy the rest of the weekend ladies!

So much for being Infertile and Proud

I'm back in the closet.
Yesterday in the lunchroom at work, one of my fellow teachers was showing a picture of her new grandchild. The mother was in labor for 30 hours and then she had to have a C-section. I said aloud that it doesn't seem fair to go through all the labor and still have to have a c-section. Everyone agreed.
Everyone looked at me (remember, I am new to this school this year).
One teacher says, "Courtney, do you have kids?"
This is my moment, right? The one where I say, 'actually we've been trying for 2 and 1/2 years and hearing your stories about children make me want to cry often so can we please talk about the weather for a bit?'
Nope. I weanie out.
stuttering I say "Oh, well... my husband and I have only... we're coming up on... our anniversary is New Years Eve... it'll be 3 years... still having fun (yes, I said that...cringe!)... "
Then the reaction from the crowd:
"you bet your life changes!"
"You guys are smart, wait as long as you can!"
"Are you sure you want them at all?"

Yup. How many visits with Cooter Cam, Clomid, HSG Xray table, and I still can't even speak publically about trying to have kids.
But what I wonder about, is that there was one lady there who does know that we're trying to have kids. I wonder if she thought I was polite or completely unconfident. I guess it doesn't matter. But my reason was embarassment, not manners.

Happy tuesday. Oh, and I just came from Cost*co. That place was crowded!

Skipping Cycles

Sorry I haven't posted much, but I feel like there isn't much to say.

We decided to go for an IUI, but my cycle for November would put the IUI the Saturday after Thanksgiving and the office is closed. Then In all likelihood my next cycle will put me right around Christmas and my DH will be out of town visiting my Grandparents in Northern California. So it's crazy that my next cycle with medical help won't be until January.

Side note, I know I'm grasping for straws here, but has anyone ever heard of taking Do.ng Quai as an herbal suppliment to help with female fertility? It was recommended to me over a year ago, but I didn't want to mix my drugs (clomid) so I think I'll try it this cycle. I was told to take it day 7 through ovulation... I don't really know what it helps, but old wives tales seem to come from somewhere, so like I said, grasping at straws.

Other than that, I just can't believe Thanksgiving is in less than a week. It feels like there is always drama in any family and blending three (my husband's family, and then my parents are divorced) just takes a toll. But I'm looking forward to shopping the day after Thanksgiving something fierce. Not because I need a 4:00 Am bargain, but because I like feeling part of the hustle and bustle of the Holidays (that was very silver bells of me).

Alright ladies, enjoy the rest of the weekend!

If BFN's are Wrong...I Wanna Be Right

I really don't know what my title means, except that yesterday AF came in with a vengance. And a Purple one at that. Not to be gross, but it's been way more purple this time than I remember seeing. And minimal spotting. A little Friday afternoon (14dpo) and then full force Saturday afternoon, evening.
Seriously? Seriously. Not pregnant. Even if I were a "normal", average gal, I would've thought I was pregnant, beyond being a hyper sensitive IF gal who has been trying for way too long.
At Dinner on Saturday my DH and I came up with a new thought. We're going to try an IUI. Before we thought we should go straight to IVF, but we're not going to get to that place financially until summer and we're going to see what we can get going by Januray. We'll skip this cycle because he has the additional testing needed (does he have aids? no, but the doc insists we find out for sure, you guys know the drill), and then December will likely put us on IUI during Christmas break and we'll be out of town, so January it is.
I'm really excited. I'm also debating about whether or not to use clomid. Remember, clomid is likely to give me 4+ follicles. Should I take that (heck, I haven't gotten pregnant yet) or should I just let my own body ovulate one egg normally? Any suggestions?
Oh yeah, my town is on fire, but so far our neighborhood is safe. But now people finally know where Diamond Bar is on a map!

Still no AF but not looking good

You guys are all so supportive.
I agree, it all sounds so good.
And this cycle I'm not spotting... excellent!
However on Tuesday and Thursday I got BFN's.
Today is 14 dpo. I have not been late once on clomid or timed intercourse.

So in my infertile world, that probably means not pregnant. So I'm not hoping, but seriously, until she shows up... and starts singing like the fat lady, I'm going to just indulge myself a bit.
BUT seriously, how often are BFN's wrong. Not often.

33!

Yesterday was Dh's 33rd Birthday. It was great. We celebrated all weekend and I feel bloated this morning (PG? Maybe? Ha.).
On Friday we went to Disneyland with a few friends. That is always fun. And by the way, this was one of the first times I skipped some rides because I *might* be pregnant. I hated doing it, because I had to tell my friends who came why I wasn't riding big thunder or Tower or Terror, but they were fine. They're both single and my DH and I are constantly comparing IF to being single, and they both did the same thing. So it confirmed yet again, what great friends these girls are.
On Saturday we went out to dinner with my family and came back and played a new game, Nerts. I think it also goes by 'oh hell', or 'peanuts'. At any rate, the game was really fun and I totally won.
Sunday we went to church and then came home and took a nap. And then read. And then I took another nap. And then we went out to a nice dinner, just the two of us for Dh's birthday. It's the restaurant where our wedding reception was and it's always highly romantic and fun. We always talk about how 'aweseme' our wedding was. We're so stuck up!
Then Yesterday (the actual birthday) we went over to Dh's mom's place and had lunch and hung out for a while. It was nice, but sometimes it's depressing to be at my mother in laws. She's incredibly great, but no one there (mom, brother, sister) has much motivation to live life, and you can end up feeling like you want to fix everything. But no one there sees the problem. That situation probably deserves it own blog entry.
Last night then we went to get Dh's gift, he got to pick out a new cell phone. He got the e*nV2 from Verizo*n. I think he's happy so I feel good about his gift. We had dinner with my bro and SIL, and then saw the movie Rol*e Mo*dels. Um... let's just say that the movie made me question whether or not I even want to have children because the movie just showed how awful kids and people can be. I have SUCH issues with nudity in the movies. Particularly nudity in movies aimed at 15 year olds (even if they're rated R, that doesn't stop most kids...that never stopped me!). And this movie was just awful. My bro and SIL? Loved it. I just felt dirty and like I should have gotten up. I even cried about it on the way home... which leads to my next thought: My brain then thinks, Okay girl, you're crying about a movie with Paul W*alker in it... maybe you are knocked up! Over reaction? check!
I'm not testing until I start spotting (which I figure is inevitable), but I'm hopeful. More hopeful than I should be.
Bring on the babies!

Now I'm Scared...

I read a few new blogs this week where women carried singleton's or twins and then misscarried at 23 weeks. I didn't know the power of 24 weeks. And when I read about some of the risks of carring twins vs. singles or triplets vs. twins...
I had a possibilty of 5 eggs people.
Now of course there is the logical side of my brain saying, Courtney, you haven't been pregnant in the previous 2 1/2 years, why would it be now?
Then there's the part of me saying, God's timing isn't my timing... And I keep praying for our family to come in God's timing!
Anyway, I'm scared of being pregnant with multiples. More though, I'm scared of not being pregnant at all. I'm starting the second part of the 2ww with this coming Friday the supposed day that I'm with AF or with child. I figure that will mean I'll be spotting by Tuesday. (that's the negative side talking again).
I keep thinking about Romans where Paul is telling us that we gain nothing by worrying. We can't add a single day to our lives by worrying so why do it? I usually think that for flying, now I'm thinking that for babies.
And as a side note, I think I'm done with clomid. I ovulate regularly, why battle this multiple fear each month? I wonder if I could still do the ultrasound and timed intercourse without clomid (like any RE would turn up their nose at 150 dollars for an ultrasound!).

Funny, Pain, and then More Pain

Funny:
So I had the HcG trigger on Thursday with instructions to have a 'good' Halloween.
Can I tell you a funny, way inappropriate story?
I ask the nurse before I leave, "when on Friday should we go for broke? In the morning? In the evening, night?" She answers, probably the afternoon on Friday would be best and then again on Saturday and Sunday.
So Hubby and I were having some friends over for halloween game night and desserts galore, but people weren't going to be at our place until 5 or 6. So Hubby left football practice a little early to take care of his part (yeah, he gladly left practice early).
Um, my girlfriend L. decided to get there early, but thought I wasn't home because she called my cell phone (still turned off from work) and I didn't answer.
So my hubby comes in and I'm thinking, sweet! perfect timing! And then L. comes in behind him, because she had been waiting outside our house (not in a creepy way, she works really close to our house and lives like 45 minutes away so she had no where else to go).
Dilemma: Need to BD, but have early unexpected company.
So ladies, what's a girl (and boy) to do? Do we miss the critical window knowing people will be over at our place well into the night? Do we tell L. the truth and have her go run errands or something?
No, we make her hang Halloween lights while I fib and tell her that I want to take a quick shower before people come over and then hubby 'disappears' for a little while too!
I know that may seem tame for some of you, but I'm not a big risk taker, and boy, if we get pregnant off this cycle will we have a funny story for our kids (once they're old enough of course).
All went well. She didn't suspect a thing.

Pain...I woke up this morning to cramps. Yes, I'm ovulating. But I'm speculating that because I'm ovulating like 4 eggs (yikes!) that that is why today hurt more than I remembered. I've felt ovulation before, and I've even felt pain like this before, but not the last two clomid-free months. So while we ran errands and saw a movie, I'm feeling like someone has punched me in the Ovaries. literally.

And then the other pain,
My girlfriend K. had her first baby June '07. you can guess where this is going. She sent me the sweetest email (she lives in Texas, I'm in CA) about how she misses my friendship (we're both busy) and that she's preg. with #2 due in June. They had a few months of trying before #2, but it's a case of them having two kids in the time that it took us to have none. I love this girl and want the best, but I must admit there were a few tears. I actually think email was the best way to handle that, because I probably would've cried on the phone. So I'll call her tomorrow and congratulations will abound, but still... Infertility just sucks.

Maybe I should've ended with the happy story, because now I'm sad. I suppose I will suppliment my feelings with a leftover piece of halloween candy. or perhaps a nice soak in the tub.

First Things First

Blogger and Blogspot have been blocked at work. Truthfully, this is probably a good thing. Except on some days when I felt anti-social at lunch, I would read a story from someone new. I suppose those days are over. So now I guess I'll be slightly more diligent on my teaching prep period, right?

Today I went for my follicle check. I'm on 50mg of Clomid. 50. that's the smallest dose my pharmacy doles out (unless you cut in half of course). I have 4 follicles. Excuse me, 4 follicles that I will likely ovulate. Um, there were an additional 3 that would continue growing if I didn't take the Hcg injection. Why aren't I pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT, lets think about this. The Nurse Practioner (who is amazing, Joan, you're amazing!) made a joke about doing IVF on clomid. I asked her if that is a serious possibility. She said sometimes the Dr. will do that. Wow. Would that save money or what?! Have you guys heard of that? Only using Clomid to get 5 or 6 follicles? Now, I'm sure I'm getting my hopes up, but can you imagine what my body could produce on 200mg of clomid? I'm certainly going to be researching that and I'm completely open to your thoughts and experiences.

Okay, I'm late for Bible Study but I wanted to make a post (since I can't do it tomorrow at work!).
Take care and good luck all of you in the terrible 2ww. This will be a great halloweeen for my DH if you get my drift...
Happy Halloween!

UCLA vs. CAL

Sorry I've been out of touch for a while, the husband and I took a long weekend to go visit some friends in nothern California and go see the UCLA/CAL game. It was good but UCLA lost big time.
So here's today's question for you ladies...
Have any of you become more of sporting fans because you married a man who was a sports fan? I'm not saying that you didn't like sports before, but have any of you made the transition of sports in your marriage? I always liked football, but now I honestly enjoy it. But I wonder if my husband lost interest, would I still follow it?
It's funny the things that we do because we're married.
On the other hand, I don't think my husband had been to see any musicals in a theatre before he met me, so I think things are pretty even.

Clomid Update:
I finished day five of clomid and have an ultrasound this Thursday to see how many follicles we will have this cycle.
I'm praying for a baby...for all of us!

Empty

Well, last Wednesday the light spotting started.
Yesterday the whole darn AF came a running in.
So once again, BFN.
But this month I feel... empty. I haven't been mad yet (I'm sure that will come) but I'm almost complacent because I'm starting to feel that maybe I'm never going to see a BFP, at least not without the DR's office. So I'm thankful for technology, but I'm feeling hollow inside. Dull. Like nothing I do will really ever end up with a baby.
I know this is unreasonable, and odds are good that all of us will end up with a baby either through adoption or medicine (I really believe that), but the journey of getting to that baby is almost too much to take sometimes.
So... That's me. Baby-less, and praying.
But man, when this kid finally comes, it better be cute. Or smart. Going through all of this for an ugly baby? Geez.

Just kidding of course. I thought this post needed some levity.

Waiting

This was a natural cycle for us this month. While we haven't quite decided about what to do down the road (thank you for all your great opinions everyone...it's a lot to process!) I know we're gonna do a few more months of clomid with timed intercourse hoping for the best. I might actualy try drinking green tea this month, trying to do what I can for the cervical mucus!

So I'm currently waiting for AF. It's possible we could be pregnant, but you guys know, getting your hopes up is just so frustrating. I'm doing everything I can think of to distract myself, but the end of each cycle is just so picking hard to be pessimistic! I just think constantly about when the baby would be due, would my husband and I still be able to do our Europe trip over spring break, could we keep it a secret until christmas... You ladies I think all know what I'm talking about.

So here I am.
Waiting for AF.

She should be here at the beginning of next week. But that will usually mean spotting a few days before.
Who would've thought going to the bathroom would become a dramatic event in our lives (well, past potty training that is).

Have a good weekend, and good luck to all of you starting cycles and waiting for good news!

Good Question

So I've been asked by a few of you why I would skip over IUI's and go straight to IVF.
My short answer is money. But of course, I'll give you the long answer. Ha.

Insurance will cover none of my IF. The problem is that my hospital (St. Joe.seph) is Catholic. I am not catholic. My Dr. is not catholic. But because the hospital that my RE works out of is catholic, almost no infertility issues are covered. So my insurance will only cover half of the initial diagnostics, and nothing now that the diagnosis is unexplained infertility. Even if I was able to have my RE write up a lap. as due to endo, because he's and Reproductive Endocrinologist, they will assume it's due to IF and not cover it. If I went somewhere else, they would only cover half of the procedure. That makes a 20,000 dollar procedure cost 10,000 smackers for my DH and I. What a deal, right?
So out with the lap.
Onto IUIs. Each IUI will be just under 2000 big ones. With success rates so low (around 20%) by the time I try IUI 3 times, I've just paid 6,000 bucks. So when I look at those numbers and the increase with IVF percentages (around 45%) it seems like a better idea is to go for IVF. I asked my DR this, and he said because everything seems to be working, IVF is actually a good solution because it takes most of the guessing out of getting pregnant. We know where the egg is, we know where the sperm are, etc. It wasn't his thought (going straight to IVF) it was mine. But he agreed that after 2.4 years of trying that IVF is a probably place to go.
IVF is going to cost about 16,000 greenbacks the first time and a frozen egg cycle is 2500 after that. I asked what if I didn't get pregnant after going through IVF and finishing all potential eggs I would freeze and the finance lady didn't have a figure, but she got a sad look on her face and said a second fresh cycle is highly discounted. I thought she seemed genuine.

I'm thinking I'll try a few more months of clomid with timed intercourse while waiting for summer, but as a teacher I feel like summer is my best chance. I can relax more, I will have an available schedule for all the office visits...
But seriously ladies, I don't know. Am I a moron to skip IUI's? I know some of you have gotten pregnant the first IUI's, but it feels like the blogs I'm reading haven't had much IUI luck (still around the 20 % mark).

Okay, is that enough rambling about money? I am so open to opinions that you guys don't even know!
Bring on the advice!

Decisions

So...
I don't think I've ever been this scared. Not the middle of the night scared, but scared of reality. It seems impossible to accept that my husband and I are infertile. Or that one of our challenges in life is dealing with IF. You would think I would've figured this out before now, but the truth is, I just keep thinking, maybe this is our month. I think, "what a great story we'll have to share with others about our journey... maybe someday we'll be a comfort to another family!".
So I have a hard time grasping that I'm the one who is in need of comfort. I must say, I can't imagine us going this alone. If I didn't have the wonderful experience of all of you ladies, and a few friends IRL that have been down this journey, I just don't know how I would be dealing.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to go into debt for this.
I'm scared not to go into debt for this.
I'm scared that IVF won't work.
I'm scared that skipping IUI's is a bad idea.
I'm more scared that skipping IUI's is a good idea.
I'm scared that my DH and I are the only ones making this decision. No one else's input matters (although it is always solicited). We are the responsible party.

So, for all of those of you who went through IVF, how invasive was it for you? In regards to everything. Time? Money? Relationship with DH? Relationship with other friends and family members?

I'm in the process of making decisions. And praying. Oh yes, lots of praying.
Thanks girls.

I held it together until I got to the car

And then I just cried.
The ugly crying too. I was almost glad my DH wasn't there to hear the sobs and sniffling.

You guys,
How does anyone afford all this crap!?
Really? 1,500 for an IUI?
Really? 20,000 for Laparascopy?
16,000 for one cycle of IVF (no, no money back if you don't get pregnant!)

I don't know who I'm most mad at:
Insurance? WHY ISN'T INFERTILITY COVERED! Do they think I want a Laparascopy because I'm bored? I just want random tests and scars? NO!
My Own body? How freaking hard is it to get pregnant?
Brad and Jennifer? For making people think that IVF is no big deal and easy?

I'm bouncing between super angry, and super sad. I just polished off a bag of chips (which is NEVER a good sign) and I'm worried I might bake cookies.

Tonight I'll have a long talk with the DH to of course get his input. but Crap. This is just not fair. As if I needed reminding that the world isn't fair.

DWTS

So I mentioned that last Tuesday I got to go see a taping of Dancing with the S*tars. It was really fun. I had signed up for tickets last spring

and forgotten all about it until last Saturday night when I checked my email and they said that I could bring 4 people (including myself) for this Tuesday (last week). It was really cool!

They didn't allow us to bring in cameras so I couldn't take any pictures, but Kim Karda*shian got voted off (I was pleased) and we saw Jessica Simpson perform. It was funny. The requirements are that you have to dress 'formal'. It's not casual at all. So the funny part was looking at what different types of people consider 'formal'. Let's just say the bedazzler was busy.

My favorite professional is Cheryl. I don't really care about the 'stars' this time. No one strikes my fance... okay, maybe Cory because he's such a fun kid.

We got to sit up front during Jessica's performance and the dance troop that they brought in for the week. It really was very fun and cool to see how little the stage actually is! They let the audience dance on it before filming began. So I danced the Cha Cha slide on the DWTS floor. I'm pretty proud of myself (in a really nerdy sort of way).

On to the next...

Besides all that, I'm heading to the RE's office today for my consultation appointment... Translation, the: "Why am I not pregnant, don't let me be one of your statistics that doesn't get pregnant, knock me up now!" talk. So far I have four questions for him, please suggest more if you have them:

1. How/when do you diagnose a Leuteal phase defect?

2. When do you recommend laproscopic surgery? What level of Endo? Do you think that might help in my situation?

3. Is there any more testing besides the HSG, S. analysis and CD3 bloodwork?

4. Are IUI's manditory before IVF?

I don't really know what to say. 2.4 years we've been trying and not even one positive preg. test but all looks normal.

I'll update you all when I get back. Hooray for leaving work early though. At least there is a small silver lining.

A Woman I Respect

There is this woman that I really respect. Her name is Lucy. Lucy is the most Godly woman I know. Lots of fun, but also has a very deep love for Christ.
Which is why it is so hard for me to take her comment.
She has two grown children, and they are both great kids. One has Multiple Scl*erosis but still lives a normal life. By no means are they perfect, but you get the picture. I really respect this woman.
She knows we're looking to get pregant and what a difficult journey this has been for us.
The other night, she was just talking, and said that she's really scared for the future generations of the world. She went on to say that she didn't know if it was right for people to bring new babies into the world, that if she hadn't had her kids already, she might not have her own children. She would just adopt.
I was really hurt by that comment. It's so easy for a fertile woman (although she herself had 3 miscarriages) to say flippantly, "I dont' know if I would've had biological children", because I don't know is she was ever faced with NOT being able to have her own children. And I don't have any problems with adoption or people not wanting to have their own children, but please, I'm working like a dog to have my own children that are half me and half my DH. I felt so belittled.
She realized what I must be thinking and then tried to back peddle around her comment, but I just felt terrible.
You guys, "I want a baby! Get in my Belly!" (That was supposed to be read outloud in a voice reminicent of fat bastard from Aust*in Powers).
Back to the grind I go.
Dr. Appointment next week. Still don't really know what to ask for.

Dentist, RE, Back to School Night

Hello ladies!

How many of you have skipped out on the dentist during this TTC time period because you keep thinking, maybe I'll be pregnant this month, so I don't want to schedule cleanings and X-rays?
That was me. But now, those 1-800-dentist commercials were getting to me. I thought, crap, it's been over 2 years since I've been to the dentist, I probably should go.
But still I didn't.
Then, I lost part of my filling.
So now I have to.
So I went.
And guess what transpired over the past two years since I have had a dental cleaning?
THE WATER SCRAPER-THINGY!
Okay, now it's not perfect (yup, water up my nose at times), but infinately superior to the whole scrape, scrape-grim reaper type sikle.
And,
No Cavities!
I had to tell them I was TTC though because I didn't want to take x-rays.
Guess who got their period that same day?
Your's Truely.
But at least I got out of x-rays. And the water scraper thing wasn't so bad.
Ugh.

So my next RE appointment is Oct. 8th. I don't even know what I'm going to ask him. We have done 3 cycles of clomid with timed intercourse with lots of follicles each time. I have absolutly zero IF insurance (thank you california), so if IUI's are in the thousands of dollar range, than I may have to wait and save up for IVF. Blech. Any thoughts or suggestions on the types of questions I should ask?

And then last week was back to school night (I teach high school). For all those teachers out there, do you guys hate that night as much as I do? Parent's just want to know how their child is doing, but I still don't even know everyone's name in all of my classes! I just tell them what the standards are, where I went to school, make a few lame jokes, and it's over. I think after 8th grade there should be no more back to school night.
Okay, that's extreme, I'm just ranting. And I know when I'm a parent(*someday*) I'll want to meet my kids' teachers, but for now, just a rant.

And here's a teaser. I know some of you aren't watching Dancin*g with the S*tars this season, but I got tickets to go to this Tuesday's results show. I'll give an update later this week. I'm so excited, but have no idea what to wear! It's formal attire required.

Enjoy the start of a new week!

Bring it...

Shelby Tagged me at the Great Big If, and I must say, you are in for some fun...

1. When I have way too many adult things going on, I love to relax by reading an old baby-sitters club book. It takes about 20 minutes. Mary-Anne was always my favorite.

2. My husband was my first long term boyfriend. I had dated casually before that, but never wanted to waste my time with losers (but I liked the free meals).

3. IRL I have a small group of friends that are like life to me. We have met once a week for dinner for the going on 8 years. They know all about IF and one of them is struggling herself. The other 2 aren't married so that makes things easy, no babies yet, but we're praying!

4. My husband and I have helped to start a church in Corona, CA. It has been amazing! It's called vantage point church and God has really been blessing us. (We're going to two services this Sunday, check out the website if you're interested www.vantagepointchurch.org )

5. I have two dogs. I am a Big Ronald Reagan fan (I teach history and civics). My dogs are named Gipper and Nancy. They're the best dogs ever.

6. Every night I make my husband fall asleep to Gilmore Girls. I have all the seasons and rotate through constantly. There was a small break for the West Wing, but I'm back on Gilmore Girls.

7. Golden Spoon frozen yogurt is the best snack ever. Only 3 weight watcher points. Heath Bar flavor is my favorite.

Now, I would tag people individually, but it looks like all the blogs I read have already been tagged. Plus I don't know how to do the cool link thingy with other blogs. Consideral of yourselves tagged!

A Little Diddy

This blog is about honesty, right?
My last period was wacky. It was my 3rd round of clomid and again I had 4 eggs (at least) when they did the ultrasound so it's natural that my period would be abnormal. Well, I spotted for 3 days and then decided that my flow had started. But then the next day it was lighter (but still the dark red AF color).
That's when I cancelled the next Clomid cycle becuase I felt like I wanted to give my body a rest and have a non-medicated cycle.
But somewhere in my heart, I held out hope.
I hadn't tested because I figured period=no baby. I was right.
But what did I do? I bought more tests at tar*get so I could test.
After my period. Who does that! After 25 + cycles. Period equals no baby. But still, hope not for nothing, right?
Here's the perspective part:
But when I was putting my bags in my cart, I saw that things could be worse. The woman behind me was buying depends-like underwear. It was for her.

Instead of trying to get pregnant, we could all be suffering with uncontrollable bladder issues.
Enjoy your weekend lovely ladies!

I'm an Expert

Edited...
Oh my word. I'm totally going to have to be in counseling when this is all over.
Enjoy the down hill of your week!

Fun with my Hun

Last night my DH and I got it on... for fun! Without clomid this month, it didn't occur to me until afterward that we can really have 'fun' without it being for procreational purposes.

It was so freeing... like when we were newly married ... and blissfully ignorant.

I'm loving life without clomid. Who's with me?

When Does Life Begin?

Politics, Politics, Politics...

I heard a report a few years ago on NPR that talked about how politics is boring. And even me as a Civics/Government teacher, I agree. So our nation invents things to try to make politics more interesting. I watch a small portion of both the DNC and the GOP conventions and both of them are rediculous. It's the sporting event/popularity contest. I really hate how everyone cheers and boos on cue. It's like going to a Calva*ry Chapel service! (Oh, did that offend anyone? Let me know!)

BUT, Out here Pastor Rick W*arren of Saddle*back church (the guy who wrote Purpose dri*ven life) hosted an event that both Obama and McCain came to. He asked dialogued with both of them for one hour separately, but asked them the same questions. I don't know if any of you saw it, but it was broadcast on CNN.

It was really cool. I loved that it wasn't a debate, and we really got to see some honest answers (I think they were honest) from our candidates.

But then came this question: When do you believe life begins?

Obama answered: that he thought that questions was above his paygrade. Meaning that he didn't feel like he was qualified to answer.

McCain answered: Conception.

Here's the thing, I'm very pro-life (even before struggling with IF). Like 100,000%. If you don't want your baby than give it up for adoption. Let's speed that process up a bit!

BUT

Now that I've got some thoughts on my mind like IVF, then do I really believe that life starts at conception? If I've learned something through this process, it's that conception alone does not equal baby. There has to be a womb present. There has to be the perfect storm of conditions to get pregnant and end up with a baby. In the 2 + years we've been trying, the odds are that at some point I've had sperm and egg meet in my body and just not stick around. So did life begin? Should I mourn those fertilized eggs? I don't think so, so then I really have to ask myself,

When does life begin?

My Husband and I have had some really interesting discussions on this. If we went through IVF, than do we feel like if they take 20 eggs and 15 make it to blast, then am I morally obligated use every egg that was fertilized because it will be abortion if I chose to let those eggs go if I finish having kids but have eggs left over?

I'm not really pro-Obama, but now that I've had all of these IF experiences, I am questioning the idea I've always had, that life Begins at Conception. I'm not really pro-mccain either, b.t.w. I'm lost in this whole election. (that's just a side note though)

I'm feeling a little confused...

What do you guys think? When does life begin? Conception? Implantation? When the egg starts releasing progesterone (is that what it releases?)? When the heart beats?

maybe these are above my pay grade too.

I'm Game

I found this from Alison, it seems kind of funny. Here's to things to do while waiting for my husband to get home from football practice...

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Vanilla Outlook

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Minty Flip Flop

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Cocker Spaniel

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Courtney San Dimas (Yes, Courtney is actually my middle name...Surprise!)

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): MarJi

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Milkshake

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Harley Wilbur

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Alien M&M

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Bowe Brea

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Fall G. Daisy

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Cantelope Diamonds

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Eggo Crepe Myrtle

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Vanilla Eaglespur

You're all invited to join in the reindeer games!

Change in Plans

I feel like the end of this cycle was messy. Not messy in the gross way, but I could never actually tell when my flow really started. I know it came, but this spotting and heavy spotting business is for the birds. (Sorry little birdies).
So I called the RE's office and decided to cancel this cycle and find a better time to meet with the RE. Now I'm not thrilled that this is a non-medicated cycle, but with 4 follicles for the past 3 months, 'perfect' timing from the hcg trigger shot, and lots of BDing, I don't know that I need to push it.
Mentally, I think I'll crack up if I try to push through one more cycle. Especially since I think the RE appointment will tell us if we're going to look at IUIs and/or IVF. I asked a while ago about the cost of IUIs and it really seems to be anywhere between 180 dollars and 2000 per cycle. If my Dr is on the high end, I may have to skip a few months and just go for broke.
That's right, IVF could be on the horizon. Now I'm going to be optimistic about the 'old fashioned way' but not niave.
Of course it all depends on the dear old Dr., but I'm thinking that saving money and a little planning could go a long way.
We'll just have to see I suppose.
Take care, and good luck to all of you at the end of your 2ww...!

28 days later, suckage.

About an hour after I wrote my last post I started spotting. Never a good sign. Now two days later, she's here... Aunt Flo. I can't say I'm shocked, but geez. What's a girl got to do to get knocked up around here?

So I called my RE, because this is our 3rd clomid cycle and we're supposed to sit down with the DR after three failed cycles. Unfortunately, the Dr is out of town until Sept. 11th. I want to be mad about that, but I suppose the man does deserve a vacation at some point. So fine. So since He's not even available until Oct. 2nd, (he only does consultations 2 days a week) I'm going to polish off a 4th clomid cycle.

I just feel like crying. It's almost not even about the baby anymore. It's about how stinking hard it is to get pregnant. For the consultation on Oct. 2nd I'm going to have to take time off from work. My husband won't be able to come because he's got football games on Thursdays (he's the head coach, he can't just put someone else in charge, and I knew this when I married him =) ). I'm just so upset that it has to be this way. The day you get your period is the worst. Mostly I think because you have to wait 27 days to be hopeful the next one might work.
The nurse at the Dr's office said I have to be patient. She said, if not this month, than maybe my name is on the list for a baby next month. I'm going to go fax that order in right now.

BUT, because I want to be positive. This is the last month (I think) that it would have been inconvienent (ha) to be pregnant with the insurance change over from my previous school district. Meaning I'm on my way to the benefits office to sign up for disability and income protection. Althought FMLA doesn't kick in until you've worked somwhere for 12 months. So I suppose After Christmas time would be the best time to get pregnant. But really, I'll take the inconvience now please!

Normal?

As the 2ww is coming to an end, I just find that I'm so torn about what to think. I feel there is no normal anymore. I don't even know what a 'normal' period feels like. All the symptoms, all the imaginary symptoms, it's just too tough to tell. This Thursday is 14dpo, so I guess if no af by then I'll test, but I'm just so used to those stupid things coming up negative I don't even want to buy one!
As a side note. I haven't ever read anything about jon and ka*te plus eight on these blogs. The show is so interesting. I found their website through TLC and learned some things I thought were interesting (but maybe you all know this stuff).
1. Kate suffered from pcos.
2. They got pregnant both times through IUI's
3. On the cycle she got pregnant with 7 (one never developed), she was told she had 3, maybe 4 mature follicles (which is the exact same number that I've had the last two cycles).

When it comes to IF, there is no 'normal'.

What to do during the 2ww...

Usually I'm pretty good about not worrying for the first week of the 2ww.But now I'm thinking again about my own self. 4 follicles. Some well timed Bd-ing. What's the deal! I've still got another week or so.
So now, what to do? I know some of you have some awesome lists of things to do during the 2ww. I'm going to go revisit those.
Praying for a baby here... Good luck no matter where you are in your cycles! Let's get some babies!

My Big Mouth

Now that I've opened up to people about infertility, I feel like I can't shut up! Yesterday we went to Dis*neyland with some friends from church. I'll call them the 'L' family. They have four kids ages 16 to 9. They all like each other. Seriously. It's the type of family that you want to emmulate without being creepy. How do you get a family to like each other so much!? Now, they're not perfect, no. The 16 year old is mean to the 7th grader, etc. I just felt like I had to askabout how they rasied such neat kids, and then of course, the conversation went to infertility.
I have to say, it's not as scary as I thought.
We talked about where we're at with treatment, where we want to be, and possibilities in the future. So far I haven't felt any reprecussions of sharing with trusted friends at church. And it is so freeing to talk about it.
So now you all want to know, what are the 'L' family secrects to raising good kids? Hug them and spank them as much as possible until they're five. That is of course my summary, but it lends a good question, what do you guys think about spanking? I'll leave my opinion out of this for now, just curious here.
Thoughts?

End of Summer

Good Morning All!
As a teacher this is my last week of freedom before going back to teacher meetings. Even tomorrow is my first 'new teacher' meeting. Since I'm moving to a new district I have to be 'new' all over agian. How un-fun is that?
But, that meant that I got to have an early morning ultra-sound yesterday to check my follicles instead of the ususal after school rush. My DH even got to come.
We have this month: 4 follicles. Yup. On a measly 50 mg of clomid I made four follicles. Now, I'm not complaining because I know how awesome it is to ovulate regularly, but again, then what is the deal? If I'm so blessed to ovulate so well, why is my body like, "No. No baby for you." (that should be read with a russian accent)
I asked the ultrasound tech what she thought about my spotting for 5 days before my period last month and she said, "well, that doesn't sound normal. Maybe you were preganant but it didn't take".
Someone should tell her not speculate about stuff like that. makes a girl sad.
She also said that the next step for people like us is usually in-vitro.
WHAT!?
She should think about not volunteering so much. Needless to say, after this 3rd try on clomid with timed intercourse we'll have a good ol' sit down with the Dr. I'm not worried yet, but seriously, I think I like the other ultrasound tech.
For those of you who did IUI's, what was the average cost? Did your insurance cover it?

Clomid Round 3

So after a great week of camping I'm home. It was lovely to visit Lake Arr*owhead and Big Be*ar and even lake Gre*gory. It was a fun time with the DH and friends. It was fun to sit around at night and play card games. At home the TV is always on (even if I'm not watching it) so I guess I should be surprised that I didn't miss the TV at all. Although right now I'm watching olympic soccer, so I'll probably watch a little too much tv the next few weeks!
Anywho,
I took my 5 days of clomid while on vacation, and each cycle on clomid, I feel my ovaries. Isn't that weird? For all of you ladies who took this pill, I've read about some side effects. But for me the biggest is that I have no trouble locating my ovaries. They are full. I know this is a good thing, that they're building eggs (hopefully!) but I still have trouble thinking through last cycle. At least 3 eggs. What is stopping this from working? I wonder if my Luteal phase is irregular. Is there bloodwork a dr. can do to see if all is working correctly during the second part of my cycle? For initial testing I only had CD 3 bloodwork. Everything looked normal.
But I think that is what is so frustrating right now. Everything looks normal! But people, it has been 2 years! Boo! Something is obviously not normal...
If this cycle doesn't work we're due for a sit down with the RE to see what he suggests next.
I suggest a baby.
Seriously.
And oh yeah, We took some money from our 'baby fund' (meaning IVF if needed or actual baby stuff if needed) to buy a patio table. I have a feeling that money may not last very long! The table was a great deal though. I love great deals.

I don't think I mentioned it

But this cycle is over. I am feeling okay about this because I've had so much time to adjust to another loser no baby cycle that I'm no longer in the frustrated time zone.
Here's what happened. I was up north visiting my grandparents. Last Wednesday was 14dpo. So on Monday (12dpo) I started spotting this weird orange/pink color (sorry if this is TMI, but please we talk about bd-ing and cooter cams, so I figure we're safe). I figured the cycle was over. Spotting is never good.
But then AF didn't come. People, I spotted until Friday! I took to hpt and they were both negative. But still, AF didn't come. So then I finally broke down and called the RE's office to ask about what I should do. At that point I was 16 dpo without AF. She said if my period didn't come by monday to call back. Which I agreed with, but 5 days is rediculus.
So Friday Afternoon, AF came.
I'm bummed, but I was really more bummed earlier in the week at my grandparents when I was away from the computer. So you guys get the not so upset version. I'll call to refill my clomid, and we'll go one more month before we talk to the Dr. again.
That's this cycle.

Second topic...
How dumb do I feel when I call the RE's office. I call and Beth, the awesome nurse/office manager picks up. I say, "hi, this is courtney, and I'm a patient of Dr. D. I'm on clomid and my period came today...etc.". I just feel like this poor woman now knows all about my special no-no place and all the action I'm getting. I guess that for so much of a women's life, we don't talk about getting our periods and AF, and all the womanly wonderment that comes with Eve giving Adam the apple, and so on and so forth. It's wierd to let that be the first thing you tell someone on the phone.
She's great about it and is incredibly professional, but I have the hardest time not feeling a little dumb. Am I alone? How do you all start conversations with the nurses or office managers?

Oh, and I'm going camping this week again. As a teacher, this year I only got 3 weeks of vacation and you can say my DH and I are using every moment. We'll be home Friday, just in time to watch the opening ceremonies. I love the olympics!

Good luck to all of you wherever you're at in your cycles. It's gonna happen. It just is.

Let's Get Physical, Physical

You ladies are all fabulous! This advice is so helpful.
I called the nurse at my RE's office and she said a pap is fine, but a tetnus shot is not. But then, reading your stuff, I did use clomid this cycle, so I'll tell the Dr. who does my physical and she what she says. The nurse did tell me to make sure that my Dr. knows we're ttc.
Oh goodness.
But isn't it funny, now that I'm such a regular with the lovely vaginal ultrasounds, the part I'm most nervous about for a physical is no longer the pap! I'm going to feel like a professional when it comes to that!
So you may be asking, what is the new worst part of the physical? For me, I think it's standing on the scale in the hallway. Booo!!!!!!!! Even when I was slim and trim (unlike now) I still hated that part.
What is the worst part of a physical for you guys?

Question...

One more thing,
This Friday I'm scheduled to have a physical with my regular family dr. (I like to do that once a year). But this means a pap smear. Okay, so then I will only be 7 dpo, so it will be too early for a pregnancy test.
1. Will a pap smear affect the potential baby I may or may not have? Don't they open your cervix? Could that harm an embryo?
2. I know I need a tetnus shot. Could that cause a problem?
Let me know. I can reschedule the physical if there are problems, but I want to get it out of the way if not.

Thoughts? Advice?

I Feel Like I Came Out of the Closet

So last Wednesday I was at a small group from my church. It was all women I knew very well, minus one new lady. Actually it was co-ed, but when we shared prayer requests we split up men and women.
So here I was. Do I share? I've had PLEANTY of opportunities to share, but the timing just never was right. Well, as people we sharing, I already started crying. So I either had to tell the truth or make up some story about why I was crying whily Kathy was asking for prayer for her kid to get home safe from Magic Mountain.
So I shared.
And I cried.
The thing with that group is, while there are some single gals, most of them are old enough to be my parents, or just slightly younger. But I know for a fact that three of them have had miscarrages, and I just realized it was time (that and the clomid just made me do it! Thanks a lot for the tears.).
Everyone was real supportive... and then it came...
The one women I don't know very well says: "You know, I don't know if this helps, but my sister when through infertility for 10 years. As soon as she stopped crying about it and gave up trying, she got pregnant".
Um, yeah. She's a sister in Christ, and she meant well.
BUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Really. My endometriosis will go away if I stop trying to get pregnant? I'm sure those ten years were really easy for her sister (this women has two small children).
Anyways, besides that snafoo everyone was really nice and kind.
And then yesterday at church people were nice. Too nice. But hey, I'll ride this through as long as I can. And I really do want them to be praying for my husband and I. It's been long enough keeping this issue in the closet. Let's be 'real'. What's the point in hiding this? (Except for the knuckle headed comments like that one)

Side note:
I found out that one of my friends (not a good friend, but the type of friend where you have dinner together a few times a year) cheated on her husband. With an 18 year old.
She has 3 kids, and her husband's mother just passed away (but I think things were going on before her mother in law passed away).
They're both christians and it just goes to show that no one is free from sin. I'm not, she's not... It's just awful. Both my husband and I keep thinking about how something like that happens. I think maintence on a marriage is so important. When we're careless with things, they break.
They came to our church yesterday, and I was so proud of them. The whole family came. I think most of the people there knew what happened, but I was so impressed with our church for how they surrounded this family. I don't know what will happen with their marriage, but I'm glad they're trying to work through it.

This was a long post. Sorry, I've just been so busy! Hope to hear from you guys soon!

I'd Rather Go Out Swinging

Today I went back to the RE's office. I have to say, so far, I really love the staff there. I don't see the Dr. very much, but that's okay because the nurses are so together and with it I don't feel like I need to. I also know that if I do need to, I can just call and schedule an appointment.
So, here are the follicles (sp?) this month: drum roll...
On the right (good ovary) we have a lovely 18 mm black circle.
On the left (less than good but not bad ovary) one 25 mm, one 21 mm, and one 19 mm.
That right, four follicles. Clomid goes well with my ovaries.
So before I get all happy and excited, the nurse takes my hand (with a camera in my special no-no place mind you) and gives me the scary triplet talk. Have any of you had this? It's scary.
She says that a triplet pregnancy is almost a 50% higher risk than a twin pregnancy. She asked if I would reduce ... heck no!
She said I would have to have a tremendous support system. All things I agree with. And what do you suppose my answer was?
Bring on the Hcg trigger!
Here is my reasoning:
1. June was 2 full years, 24 cycles of trying for us. I appear to ovulate normally. We are not pregnant and it is not explained. I often feel like if it was going to happen, it already would have (only on my more pessimistic days do I feel that way).
2. Considering the above, I'm really feeling like this is taking four cycles and slamming them into one. A shot to try four times but only taking up one month. This works for me!
3. I want a family. 3 kids would be a blessing. 2 kids would be a blessing. But I'm praying for 1 kid. I'll take whatever God gives me. The way I figure, God chose to grow all 4 of those follicles and this was his plan. If I get a baby this month, awesome. If I don't, then at least I won't have wasted this cycle.
It's like being up to bat. I can wait for the perfect pitch and watch my chance fly by, or I can take a swing and at least say I tried. My coach used to say, 'it's better to go out swinging than looking'.

There is Room for Optimism

Last night my DH and I had a conversation about money. We were discussing what to do with our leftover money from our tax return (praise Jesus for small financial blessings!). There are a number of things we can do to the house, and typically each year we've done some major stuff with our tax return : New Windows, New paint, New carpet, New furnature, New backyard, etc. We've been very blessed.
But this year I've had a tug on my heart saying that we should be saving for In-vitro. I don't feel like I'm going to end up with insurance that covers any of the costs, and from what I'm reading from all of you guys, it seems to run about 10-20 thousand dollars. Is that right? For any of you out there with numbers for me, I'd love to hear how much it cost you or your friends.
It's also a very scary place to be because I want a baby so badly. I want a baby that looks like me and my DH. And it's been two years of trying now. I really don't expect to ever see those two pink lines because it feels like it would have happened by now.
So we started a savings account. But we're calling it a Baby account. There is room to be optimistic here. Maybe it will be for baby furniture and not for baby making.
This is a really scary place to be.
The path less traveled, huh?

back from the beach

You guys are all so great. This is the first month I've been apart of this blogging world, and I'll tell you, it's better together. As much as I wish we didn't have to come to each other for support, I think it says a lot about the human spirit and how we really do need each other.

On to the next...
I think it'll be a few more months of the same. Mostly because there doesn't seem to be a reason to head to IUI since we don't know why we're infertile. I may ride this one out for a while. And becuase this is probably the cheapest I could do. With this new job comes new insurance, so I'm going to hopefully speak with the benefits specialists tomorrow so that I can determine if any of my options cover infertility. Oh how I wish they did. I'm not feeling lucky on this one though.

I hope everyone had a relaxing fourth of July. I went to Ventura/Oxnard with some friends and had a lovely weekend of hanging out, watching movies, and generally over-eating. A great formula for fun.
Tomorrow is not going to be easy to sit with 35 seniors in high school and teach them about the legislative branch of gov't and the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility in Economics.
Whopedie-doo!

No Clever Title

Just a BFN.
Really. All day I thought 'maybe this is it'. I was sitting at my desk while my summer school students were taking a test on the Constitution. I was thinking about baby names. I was thinking of reasons it would not be good to be pregnant this cycle... New Job, No White Water Rafting trip this summer, etc. But in my heart, I hoped I was pregnant.
But I'm not. AF came one day early. But I still POAS just because I can. I thought 'everyone loves a good clomid story', so maybe I'll have one to add to it.
But really people, what's the deal? I have no real reason for being unexplicably inferile, so why when we have a Dr. helping us to time things and I saw one if not two eggs in there am I sitting here with sore boobs and no baby?
My first reaction was annoyance. Now is coming the grief. Two years. June was two years of actual 'trying'.
And now I have to start thinking about next cycle. And what may lie beyond all of these cycles. IUI's, IVF, Adoption.
You may ask yourself, how did I get here... and so the song goes.

I'm going to go look for happy bfp stories elsewhere. Baby dreams to you all.

My Perspective is Laughing at me.

I can't figure out who tell that we're trying to get pregnant. On some level, I want to tell my friends so they can be supportive of us and I want to be 'real' with them. That involves me sharing personal stuff and asking them about the 'real' stuff in their lives. So when people that I care about ask me about the specifics of things in my life (not busy bodies, but real friends) I've been telling them about ttc. I've started making jokes (becuase I respond to problems with Humor) to bring levity to the situation and make other people comfortable.
But the truth is inferility is not comfortable.
I have a friend in my life who is old enough to be my mother. She had a hysterectomy at 27 and she and her husband chose to live their lives child free instead other options. I look at her and see how fulfilling her life is but I also see her emptiness. Maybe I wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't on this path, but I see it none-the-less. And I see smug-fertiles not understand why she chose to have her cat in her family pictures. And my heart breaks, largely because I am afraid of having fertile people looking at me as less than them because my body won't let me have children. It's an irrational fear. I know my friends love me and since my husband and I have only been married 2.5 years, people aren't hounding us yet about children. I just don't tell them we've been trying for two years already.
I suppose none of us get to chose the path we're on. And each family has it's problems. Be it infertility, or rebellious teenagers, or parents with Parkinson's. It's hard to forget that behind the veil of other happy families, there are 'real' things going on. At least my problems don't involve drugs (only the legal kind), debt (okay, that is probably coming), or illness (praying for morning sickness over here!)... wait, I think my perspective is laughing at me.

about the job...

So I got the job! Whoo Hoo! But now, what does this mean? Am I pregnant? More good news? Or too much good news already?
I don't even care. I'm happy to get this job, and praying for a baby!

The things we tell ourselves when waiting...

So now I wait. July 3rd will be 14 dpo and that's when I should know how this cycle went. But in the meantime I'm applying for a new teaching position in a great district. I inteviewed on Tuesday and they checked my references yesterday. I was told there are two canditates who stood out and their deciding between the two of us.
I wonder, maybe I didn't get pregnant in other months becuase I would have had to disclose my pregnancy and maybe then they wouldn't have hired me (not because of prejudice, but if you're looking at two candidates and one needs 6-8 weeks off right away, who would you choose?). So now I think, AWESEOME! If I get pregnant this month it will be after I find out about the job, so that won't be weird.
But let me ask you guys, at what point am I obligated to mention a pregnancy? I'm not so optimistic as to believe that after 2 years this is the magic month, but I sure do hope this is the case. Would I have to tell the new district soon?
So I'm telling myself that if I get this job, then it will be the magic month becuase it wasn't any earlier so I didn't battle with explaining it. If I don't get the job, then I can tell myself, well, maybe I'm pregnant and things will just be easier if I stay where I'm at for another year.

July 3rd, where are you!?

Ultrasound report

So yesterday I went to the RE's office for the check to see how the follicles are growing with the clomid. The nurse ushered me into 'the room' and told me to get undressed from the waist down. She told me to turn the lights -- when I was ready. I nodded like the pro I am becoming and got half naked. I was headed to the table when I realized I didn't know if she has said to turn the lights 'on' (there were 3 scary looking colored switches on the wall...which one?) or to turn them 'off' (there was a desk lamp on the counter for optimal ultrasound viewing, Plus it makes things cozy for me and the cooter cam)? I couldn't remember.

I sat on the table in all my glory and felt like a little kid, swinging my legs with my sheet over my lap. I even tried saying "i'm ready" in a soft voice in case someone was standing outside the room waiting for me. That didn't work. Then I thought, it must be off. So I scooted off the table and turned the lights off. A few moments later the ultrasound tech lady came in and said "My, it's romantic in here!". I had no jokes left. Apparently it was the scary green light on the wall. She even demonstrated for me. I have a masters degree and I couldn't find the light switch people.

So here is the report. On the left side (good tube side) we had a winner with an 18.5-er (whoo hoo!). On the Right (poor tube quality) we had a 'winner' but it was 24! The tech thought it was probably an empty shell with no egg inside because it was too big. There were a number of smaller ones (12s and 14s) so it makes sense why each time I've sat down the last few days I can feel my ovaries squish.
I got the shot, and now it's on to 3 days of lovin'.
Is that what your dr's reccomend for the trigger shot? 3 days in a row? My husband was doing research (because he used to want to be a dr. Now he's a chemistry teacher... thank goodness!) and saw that some dr's reccomend 37 hours after the shot to be the money time. Any thoughts? Just any time during the day? How precisely to we time these things? Any advice?

why does this taste funny?

First, thank you to everyone who has commented on my blog. I think this is the most productive use for the internet that I have ever found (yeah, that albertsons.com was a bust wasn't it?).
And now, let me tell all of you about the stupidest thing I've done yet (I'm only counting 2008).
Yesterday morning I was still nice and relaxed from the weekend away. I was half asleep as I prepared to brush my teeth. Something didn't taste right. I looked at the brush and decided my husband must've used it on accident (which I think is gross but try not to offend him because he thinks if we can do all kinds of things as a part of the marriage bonus' then sharing a toothbrush is nothing... I disagree. Thoughts?).
So I continue brushing my teeth.
About 20 seconds go by before I find the problem. SUNSCREEN! I'm brushing my teeth with SUNSCREEN! (spf 50) I quickly spit and look everywhere... what can I use to get this poison out of my mouth? There it is, ACT flouride rinse on the counter, cinnamon flavor. BAD combination. Now my mouth is on fire AND protected from sunburns.
I spit.
I rinse.
I spit.
I rise.
(repeat over and over, but you get the general idea).
I then decide that I must've had a great vacation.

Infertility or Single

This weekend my husband and I got away. Since we were married on new years eve and both of our birthdays are in the winter, we realized last year that unless we took a half anniversary in the summer we wouldn't ever get to do fun stuff for us when it's warm. So we stayed at the hunting.ton beach hay.att this weekend and it was awesome. At first I felt like it was a little bit too Orange County, but I relaxed and it was great fun. Not terribly expensive either considering how nice the hotel is.
As we were walking to breakfast we were talking about our friend J. He is a great guy, got a lot of things going for him, but he hasn't found that right person. We then started talking about all of our single friends and talking about how glad we were that we weren't where they are. Before I met my husband I can remember really struggling with being single. I was 25 when met met and I just felt like I would never move on to the next stage in my life. Really. Being single at a family gathering was almost like being infertile. When are you going to get married? Why haven't you found a guy yet?
Then today at a family gathering for Father's Day, my grandfather gets on my husband to get some great grandchildren going. What's so hard about that, is that I can see my grandfather excited because he thinks my husband is going to be a great father. And he remembers that my dad was born 9 months and 10 days after his own wedding. So there is no history of infertility problems in his mind.
So I am reminded that I would rather be happily married to a great man without children than single and not aware of all the bajillions of inferility terms that I now know in my head. And the heaviness I feel in my nether-regions thanks to the clomid.
Horray for marriage.

My story...

If you're reading this you may want to know more about me. I am 29 and have been married since new years eve '05. It was fabulous. We were on birth control for about 6 months before we decided we wanted to start our family. But you see, even at that point we weren't naive. Not because we had health issues, but because we had known a few people who had problems getting pregnant. So we figured we would pray about it and get started!
We didn't get pregant right away, but maybe that was just the birth control. In the fall, a coworker that I had talked with about getting pregnant and timing got pregnant. Once that happened she never asked me again about getting pregnant. I think she just felt bad or embarassed. Her son is now 12 months old. I'm still not pregnant.
But after a year of trying most months (but let's face it, that window wasn't hit each month) I decided to get tested. Each summer I have a physical and at that appointment I mentioned to my general physician (actually, the PA who is a woman and I'm much happier to have her to my paps) that we had been trying for over a year. She referred me that day to the RE and my husband for a SA. My husband went, all is fine. Counts are off the charts. On to me. I hemmed and hawed for a few months (thinking 'this can't really be about me, can it?!') and in October finally had the intake with the RE and the vag ultrasound. Everything looked normal sans the little bit of extra fluid which could be a sign of endo. They even saw a big follacle telling them that I was headed for ovulation. We decided to continue with testing (HSG and bloodwork) if this cycle failed - there was a perfectly good egg, why wait? When I didn't get pregnant, I figured it was the holiday's and I didn't want to worry about testing. If I'm not pregnant by Spring, than I'll do the testing.
So I put everything off and didn't get pregnant and finally my conscious got the best of me. In May I went for the HSG (thank you SQandSPJ for the information, they didn't even tell me to bring a pad!) and bloodwork. BW looked fine and normal. HSG showed my right ovary is partially blocked. The Dr. said that since I still have one fabulous ovary (thank you leftie) that I shouldn't worry. And that since I'm only 29 I'm so young... blah blah blah.
SO, he recommended clomid with ultrasound monitoring with a trigger shot for ovulation for a few months. But after reading up, I don't know why clomid will help when I appear to ovulate normally. But I am thrilled about the monitoring part. I feel like that is what is going to help. Do you think it could really only be bad timing? For this long? But if there's only one ovary getting an egg into the tubes... I think I'm grasping for straws.
But, at least we're doing something. Two years this month. Not what I expected.

Clomid this month

I just got off the phone with the RE's office. We're going to do clomid with timed intercourse for a few months. It's weird to have a very nice lady tell you when your husband's last ejaculation should be. It's weirder to know that I thought I'd be pregnant by now. I just don't think I'm over this part of it. I'm a strong believer in God and I really believe that He'll give me the desires of my heart. The hard thing is that I believe that my timing is not God's timing. I can even be objective (today) and say that because we didn't get pregnant right away we have been able to do a bunch of things. We have helped our church start a new Church plant and it's been awesome to be a part of things. If I had a newborn I wouldn't be able to help out like we have. We've taken students to Europe the last 4 spring breaks (that's when we got engaged, on the first trip) and each trip for me has been bittersweet. In October when I wasn't pregnant both years we decided, well, let's go to Europe. Because if I'm not pregnant now, that I could still travel over spring break... yadda yadda yadda. But I want a family.
I love my two dogs, they're awesome. But they're not kids. I don't want to treat them like kids. When I pet them in the morning when they jump on my bed I think, it would be cool if these were kids. So this month, clomid. My husband and I are going away for a short weekend vacation becuase next week begins football and thus goes our relationship (until a short break in August).Well, I'm going to go back to reading some other blogs for encouragement.
Here's to us.

1st post

I have been in the blogging world for a while. But now that I have been here as an infertile it is a completely different thing. Last month I was sure I was pregnant. But I posted a picture here of the proof that I am not. And I love my husband. But I wanted more support. I want to be apart of you guys.

Well truthfully I don't want to be apart of this. But since there isn't much I appear to be able to do about it, I want to share with you guys.

Here it is. The obligatory first post. I'm not pregnant.