Monday, October 20, 2008

Empty

Well, last Wednesday the light spotting started.
Yesterday the whole darn AF came a running in.
So once again, BFN.
But this month I feel... empty. I haven't been mad yet (I'm sure that will come) but I'm almost complacent because I'm starting to feel that maybe I'm never going to see a BFP, at least not without the DR's office. So I'm thankful for technology, but I'm feeling hollow inside. Dull. Like nothing I do will really ever end up with a baby.
I know this is unreasonable, and odds are good that all of us will end up with a baby either through adoption or medicine (I really believe that), but the journey of getting to that baby is almost too much to take sometimes.
So... That's me. Baby-less, and praying.
But man, when this kid finally comes, it better be cute. Or smart. Going through all of this for an ugly baby? Geez.

Just kidding of course. I thought this post needed some levity.

13 comments:

I Believe in Miracles said...

When your baby comes, you will love and appreciate him/her far more than someone who "spontaneously" becomes pregnant because you have waited so long. Not that fertile folks don't love their kids, I just think it's totally a different kind of long if you long awaited for a child.
Sorry about AF.
**HUGS**

I Believe in Miracles said...

Sorry "totally different kind of love if you long awaited...". I didn't check it!!

Earl Gearl said...

I went through that same hollow feeling and was still going through it until August. But, just remember that this, too, shall pass and you will have a gorgeous baby some day. Good luck with all the decisions you are going to have to make. I know they aren't easy.

Hope2morrow said...

Oh, I know that feeling. I'm sorry you are going through those emotions, but it is good to work through them. Your baby will be adorable no matter how you receive him/her; and it will be so very loved!

Shelby said...

I'm certainly holding out for an Einstein-esque child, without the social awkwardness. :P Lol. No, I know we'll all take them any way they come and love every imperfection, but it is nice to hold the universe responsible for giving us something really good at this point. Hey,we all deserve it! :)

I'm sorry for your BFN. I know the hollow and it sucks. :(

Leslie Laine said...

Sorry to hear about your BFN. It sucks, I know. Let yourself wallow for a little while, and then you'll find the strength to keep moving. It's amazing how it just seems to happen that way.

You'll have your baby. It's going to happen.

Thinking of you!

Nichole said...

I am so sorry! Know that we are all here for you and that you are not alone. Take time for yourself!

((HUGS))

Nichole

Miss Mac said...

Hello! This journey is definitely full of roller coaster emotions, and sometimes we lose sight of "hope." But then we can be reminded that God has "plans to give you hope & a future." Take Care!

twondra said...

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

im sorry you didnt get a bfp. gosh, i really wonder what those look like?
the journey is unbearable, but we can get through it and have the cutest kiddos around.

or else! ;)

CTagsGirl said...

Awww...Court. Not fair. Totally not fair. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...it's not right that women like you and I (and all our wonderful IF blogger buddies) can't "afford" to be mommies. Technology is a blessing and a curse sometimes. Sigh. Thinking of you today. *hugs*

Alex and Jill said...

I'm just getting to catch up on my blog reading...I'm so sorry that this cycle ended with a negative result. I'm always praying for you guys.

Chin up, sweetie...it's far from over.

((HUGS))

April said...

:( i know the feeling well. i almost like having bad feelings better than no feelings. at least you're feeling something.

*big hugs* april