Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Got Called Horny By My Husband

Let's just say that is a switch from the way things usually go.

It's so freeing after any number of rounds of clomid or assisted reproduction to be able to have 'el amor' whenever you want. Last month I was a little extreme, but during the 2ww I put myself on pelvic rest (after 2 1/2 years I'm getting desperate to see what will work). So this cycle, it's just been us. And then, while I was in the middle of enjoying this cycle, I decided to take a opk and on the second day I tried (cycle day 12) I got the happy face for the LH surge. So then we bd'd a few more times. So today, my husband said, "okay horny, do you want to go again?" I laughed and thought about how differed sex is when it's for fun or for baby.

Hopefully God will reward us this month for our bedroom activities.
By the way, I took that herb Don*g Quai (day 7 through ovulation) and I didn't notice much except I was constipated. Could've been a coincidence, but I'm thinking not.
Now, only two more weeks to wait. No problem, right?

Oh, and last night, we went to our friends A and A, they have a 'leftover thankgiving' feast the day after thanksgiving for friends. We went and walked into a house with 12 children and 14 adults. Even my husband mentioned how ironic it is that no matter where you go, you can't seem to get away from babies. I'm not bitter (this month anyway), but sometimes it sure does feel like God is getting a good laugh at our expense. But there were two single girls there and I most assuredly would rather be married without kids to an awesome man than single and thinking your neice will bring a man home before you do. So that perspective was helpful.

Church tomorrow and then Las Vegas next weekend (to start celebrating my 30th on the 9th!).
Enjoy the rest of the weekend ladies!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So much for being Infertile and Proud

I'm back in the closet.
Yesterday in the lunchroom at work, one of my fellow teachers was showing a picture of her new grandchild. The mother was in labor for 30 hours and then she had to have a C-section. I said aloud that it doesn't seem fair to go through all the labor and still have to have a c-section. Everyone agreed.
Everyone looked at me (remember, I am new to this school this year).
One teacher says, "Courtney, do you have kids?"
This is my moment, right? The one where I say, 'actually we've been trying for 2 and 1/2 years and hearing your stories about children make me want to cry often so can we please talk about the weather for a bit?'
Nope. I weanie out.
stuttering I say "Oh, well... my husband and I have only... we're coming up on... our anniversary is New Years Eve... it'll be 3 years... still having fun (yes, I said that...cringe!)... "
Then the reaction from the crowd:
"you bet your life changes!"
"You guys are smart, wait as long as you can!"
"Are you sure you want them at all?"

Yup. How many visits with Cooter Cam, Clomid, HSG Xray table, and I still can't even speak publically about trying to have kids.
But what I wonder about, is that there was one lady there who does know that we're trying to have kids. I wonder if she thought I was polite or completely unconfident. I guess it doesn't matter. But my reason was embarassment, not manners.

Happy tuesday. Oh, and I just came from Cost*co. That place was crowded!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Skipping Cycles

Sorry I haven't posted much, but I feel like there isn't much to say.

We decided to go for an IUI, but my cycle for November would put the IUI the Saturday after Thanksgiving and the office is closed. Then In all likelihood my next cycle will put me right around Christmas and my DH will be out of town visiting my Grandparents in Northern California. So it's crazy that my next cycle with medical help won't be until January.

Side note, I know I'm grasping for straws here, but has anyone ever heard of taking Quai as an herbal suppliment to help with female fertility? It was recommended to me over a year ago, but I didn't want to mix my drugs (clomid) so I think I'll try it this cycle. I was told to take it day 7 through ovulation... I don't really know what it helps, but old wives tales seem to come from somewhere, so like I said, grasping at straws.

Other than that, I just can't believe Thanksgiving is in less than a week. It feels like there is always drama in any family and blending three (my husband's family, and then my parents are divorced) just takes a toll. But I'm looking forward to shopping the day after Thanksgiving something fierce. Not because I need a 4:00 Am bargain, but because I like feeling part of the hustle and bustle of the Holidays (that was very silver bells of me).

Alright ladies, enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

If BFN's are Wrong...I Wanna Be Right

I really don't know what my title means, except that yesterday AF came in with a vengance. And a Purple one at that. Not to be gross, but it's been way more purple this time than I remember seeing. And minimal spotting. A little Friday afternoon (14dpo) and then full force Saturday afternoon, evening.
Seriously? Seriously. Not pregnant. Even if I were a "normal", average gal, I would've thought I was pregnant, beyond being a hyper sensitive IF gal who has been trying for way too long.
At Dinner on Saturday my DH and I came up with a new thought. We're going to try an IUI. Before we thought we should go straight to IVF, but we're not going to get to that place financially until summer and we're going to see what we can get going by Januray. We'll skip this cycle because he has the additional testing needed (does he have aids? no, but the doc insists we find out for sure, you guys know the drill), and then December will likely put us on IUI during Christmas break and we'll be out of town, so January it is.
I'm really excited. I'm also debating about whether or not to use clomid. Remember, clomid is likely to give me 4+ follicles. Should I take that (heck, I haven't gotten pregnant yet) or should I just let my own body ovulate one egg normally? Any suggestions?
Oh yeah, my town is on fire, but so far our neighborhood is safe. But now people finally know where Diamond Bar is on a map!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Still no AF but not looking good

You guys are all so supportive.
I agree, it all sounds so good.
And this cycle I'm not spotting... excellent!
However on Tuesday and Thursday I got BFN's.
Today is 14 dpo. I have not been late once on clomid or timed intercourse.

So in my infertile world, that probably means not pregnant. So I'm not hoping, but seriously, until she shows up... and starts singing like the fat lady, I'm going to just indulge myself a bit.
BUT seriously, how often are BFN's wrong. Not often.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Yesterday was Dh's 33rd Birthday. It was great. We celebrated all weekend and I feel bloated this morning (PG? Maybe? Ha.).
On Friday we went to Disneyland with a few friends. That is always fun. And by the way, this was one of the first times I skipped some rides because I *might* be pregnant. I hated doing it, because I had to tell my friends who came why I wasn't riding big thunder or Tower or Terror, but they were fine. They're both single and my DH and I are constantly comparing IF to being single, and they both did the same thing. So it confirmed yet again, what great friends these girls are.
On Saturday we went out to dinner with my family and came back and played a new game, Nerts. I think it also goes by 'oh hell', or 'peanuts'. At any rate, the game was really fun and I totally won.
Sunday we went to church and then came home and took a nap. And then read. And then I took another nap. And then we went out to a nice dinner, just the two of us for Dh's birthday. It's the restaurant where our wedding reception was and it's always highly romantic and fun. We always talk about how 'aweseme' our wedding was. We're so stuck up!
Then Yesterday (the actual birthday) we went over to Dh's mom's place and had lunch and hung out for a while. It was nice, but sometimes it's depressing to be at my mother in laws. She's incredibly great, but no one there (mom, brother, sister) has much motivation to live life, and you can end up feeling like you want to fix everything. But no one there sees the problem. That situation probably deserves it own blog entry.
Last night then we went to get Dh's gift, he got to pick out a new cell phone. He got the e*nV2 from Verizo*n. I think he's happy so I feel good about his gift. We had dinner with my bro and SIL, and then saw the movie Rol*e Mo*dels. Um... let's just say that the movie made me question whether or not I even want to have children because the movie just showed how awful kids and people can be. I have SUCH issues with nudity in the movies. Particularly nudity in movies aimed at 15 year olds (even if they're rated R, that doesn't stop most kids...that never stopped me!). And this movie was just awful. My bro and SIL? Loved it. I just felt dirty and like I should have gotten up. I even cried about it on the way home... which leads to my next thought: My brain then thinks, Okay girl, you're crying about a movie with Paul W*alker in it... maybe you are knocked up! Over reaction? check!
I'm not testing until I start spotting (which I figure is inevitable), but I'm hopeful. More hopeful than I should be.
Bring on the babies!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Now I'm Scared...

I read a few new blogs this week where women carried singleton's or twins and then misscarried at 23 weeks. I didn't know the power of 24 weeks. And when I read about some of the risks of carring twins vs. singles or triplets vs. twins...
I had a possibilty of 5 eggs people.
Now of course there is the logical side of my brain saying, Courtney, you haven't been pregnant in the previous 2 1/2 years, why would it be now?
Then there's the part of me saying, God's timing isn't my timing... And I keep praying for our family to come in God's timing!
Anyway, I'm scared of being pregnant with multiples. More though, I'm scared of not being pregnant at all. I'm starting the second part of the 2ww with this coming Friday the supposed day that I'm with AF or with child. I figure that will mean I'll be spotting by Tuesday. (that's the negative side talking again).
I keep thinking about Romans where Paul is telling us that we gain nothing by worrying. We can't add a single day to our lives by worrying so why do it? I usually think that for flying, now I'm thinking that for babies.
And as a side note, I think I'm done with clomid. I ovulate regularly, why battle this multiple fear each month? I wonder if I could still do the ultrasound and timed intercourse without clomid (like any RE would turn up their nose at 150 dollars for an ultrasound!).

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Funny, Pain, and then More Pain

So I had the HcG trigger on Thursday with instructions to have a 'good' Halloween.
Can I tell you a funny, way inappropriate story?
I ask the nurse before I leave, "when on Friday should we go for broke? In the morning? In the evening, night?" She answers, probably the afternoon on Friday would be best and then again on Saturday and Sunday.
So Hubby and I were having some friends over for halloween game night and desserts galore, but people weren't going to be at our place until 5 or 6. So Hubby left football practice a little early to take care of his part (yeah, he gladly left practice early).
Um, my girlfriend L. decided to get there early, but thought I wasn't home because she called my cell phone (still turned off from work) and I didn't answer.
So my hubby comes in and I'm thinking, sweet! perfect timing! And then L. comes in behind him, because she had been waiting outside our house (not in a creepy way, she works really close to our house and lives like 45 minutes away so she had no where else to go).
Dilemma: Need to BD, but have early unexpected company.
So ladies, what's a girl (and boy) to do? Do we miss the critical window knowing people will be over at our place well into the night? Do we tell L. the truth and have her go run errands or something?
No, we make her hang Halloween lights while I fib and tell her that I want to take a quick shower before people come over and then hubby 'disappears' for a little while too!
I know that may seem tame for some of you, but I'm not a big risk taker, and boy, if we get pregnant off this cycle will we have a funny story for our kids (once they're old enough of course).
All went well. She didn't suspect a thing.

Pain...I woke up this morning to cramps. Yes, I'm ovulating. But I'm speculating that because I'm ovulating like 4 eggs (yikes!) that that is why today hurt more than I remembered. I've felt ovulation before, and I've even felt pain like this before, but not the last two clomid-free months. So while we ran errands and saw a movie, I'm feeling like someone has punched me in the Ovaries. literally.

And then the other pain,
My girlfriend K. had her first baby June '07. you can guess where this is going. She sent me the sweetest email (she lives in Texas, I'm in CA) about how she misses my friendship (we're both busy) and that she's preg. with #2 due in June. They had a few months of trying before #2, but it's a case of them having two kids in the time that it took us to have none. I love this girl and want the best, but I must admit there were a few tears. I actually think email was the best way to handle that, because I probably would've cried on the phone. So I'll call her tomorrow and congratulations will abound, but still... Infertility just sucks.

Maybe I should've ended with the happy story, because now I'm sad. I suppose I will suppliment my feelings with a leftover piece of halloween candy. or perhaps a nice soak in the tub.