Sunday, June 29, 2008

My Perspective is Laughing at me.

I can't figure out who tell that we're trying to get pregnant. On some level, I want to tell my friends so they can be supportive of us and I want to be 'real' with them. That involves me sharing personal stuff and asking them about the 'real' stuff in their lives. So when people that I care about ask me about the specifics of things in my life (not busy bodies, but real friends) I've been telling them about ttc. I've started making jokes (becuase I respond to problems with Humor) to bring levity to the situation and make other people comfortable.
But the truth is inferility is not comfortable.
I have a friend in my life who is old enough to be my mother. She had a hysterectomy at 27 and she and her husband chose to live their lives child free instead other options. I look at her and see how fulfilling her life is but I also see her emptiness. Maybe I wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't on this path, but I see it none-the-less. And I see smug-fertiles not understand why she chose to have her cat in her family pictures. And my heart breaks, largely because I am afraid of having fertile people looking at me as less than them because my body won't let me have children. It's an irrational fear. I know my friends love me and since my husband and I have only been married 2.5 years, people aren't hounding us yet about children. I just don't tell them we've been trying for two years already.
I suppose none of us get to chose the path we're on. And each family has it's problems. Be it infertility, or rebellious teenagers, or parents with Parkinson's. It's hard to forget that behind the veil of other happy families, there are 'real' things going on. At least my problems don't involve drugs (only the legal kind), debt (okay, that is probably coming), or illness (praying for morning sickness over here!)... wait, I think my perspective is laughing at me.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

about the job...

So I got the job! Whoo Hoo! But now, what does this mean? Am I pregnant? More good news? Or too much good news already?
I don't even care. I'm happy to get this job, and praying for a baby!

The things we tell ourselves when waiting...

So now I wait. July 3rd will be 14 dpo and that's when I should know how this cycle went. But in the meantime I'm applying for a new teaching position in a great district. I inteviewed on Tuesday and they checked my references yesterday. I was told there are two canditates who stood out and their deciding between the two of us.
I wonder, maybe I didn't get pregnant in other months becuase I would have had to disclose my pregnancy and maybe then they wouldn't have hired me (not because of prejudice, but if you're looking at two candidates and one needs 6-8 weeks off right away, who would you choose?). So now I think, AWESEOME! If I get pregnant this month it will be after I find out about the job, so that won't be weird.
But let me ask you guys, at what point am I obligated to mention a pregnancy? I'm not so optimistic as to believe that after 2 years this is the magic month, but I sure do hope this is the case. Would I have to tell the new district soon?
So I'm telling myself that if I get this job, then it will be the magic month becuase it wasn't any earlier so I didn't battle with explaining it. If I don't get the job, then I can tell myself, well, maybe I'm pregnant and things will just be easier if I stay where I'm at for another year.

July 3rd, where are you!?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ultrasound report

So yesterday I went to the RE's office for the check to see how the follicles are growing with the clomid. The nurse ushered me into 'the room' and told me to get undressed from the waist down. She told me to turn the lights -- when I was ready. I nodded like the pro I am becoming and got half naked. I was headed to the table when I realized I didn't know if she has said to turn the lights 'on' (there were 3 scary looking colored switches on the wall...which one?) or to turn them 'off' (there was a desk lamp on the counter for optimal ultrasound viewing, Plus it makes things cozy for me and the cooter cam)? I couldn't remember.

I sat on the table in all my glory and felt like a little kid, swinging my legs with my sheet over my lap. I even tried saying "i'm ready" in a soft voice in case someone was standing outside the room waiting for me. That didn't work. Then I thought, it must be off. So I scooted off the table and turned the lights off. A few moments later the ultrasound tech lady came in and said "My, it's romantic in here!". I had no jokes left. Apparently it was the scary green light on the wall. She even demonstrated for me. I have a masters degree and I couldn't find the light switch people.

So here is the report. On the left side (good tube side) we had a winner with an 18.5-er (whoo hoo!). On the Right (poor tube quality) we had a 'winner' but it was 24! The tech thought it was probably an empty shell with no egg inside because it was too big. There were a number of smaller ones (12s and 14s) so it makes sense why each time I've sat down the last few days I can feel my ovaries squish.
I got the shot, and now it's on to 3 days of lovin'.
Is that what your dr's reccomend for the trigger shot? 3 days in a row? My husband was doing research (because he used to want to be a dr. Now he's a chemistry teacher... thank goodness!) and saw that some dr's reccomend 37 hours after the shot to be the money time. Any thoughts? Just any time during the day? How precisely to we time these things? Any advice?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

why does this taste funny?

First, thank you to everyone who has commented on my blog. I think this is the most productive use for the internet that I have ever found (yeah, that was a bust wasn't it?).
And now, let me tell all of you about the stupidest thing I've done yet (I'm only counting 2008).
Yesterday morning I was still nice and relaxed from the weekend away. I was half asleep as I prepared to brush my teeth. Something didn't taste right. I looked at the brush and decided my husband must've used it on accident (which I think is gross but try not to offend him because he thinks if we can do all kinds of things as a part of the marriage bonus' then sharing a toothbrush is nothing... I disagree. Thoughts?).
So I continue brushing my teeth.
About 20 seconds go by before I find the problem. SUNSCREEN! I'm brushing my teeth with SUNSCREEN! (spf 50) I quickly spit and look everywhere... what can I use to get this poison out of my mouth? There it is, ACT flouride rinse on the counter, cinnamon flavor. BAD combination. Now my mouth is on fire AND protected from sunburns.
I spit.
I rinse.
I spit.
I rise.
(repeat over and over, but you get the general idea).
I then decide that I must've had a great vacation.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Infertility or Single

This weekend my husband and I got away. Since we were married on new years eve and both of our birthdays are in the winter, we realized last year that unless we took a half anniversary in the summer we wouldn't ever get to do fun stuff for us when it's warm. So we stayed at the hunting.ton beach hay.att this weekend and it was awesome. At first I felt like it was a little bit too Orange County, but I relaxed and it was great fun. Not terribly expensive either considering how nice the hotel is.
As we were walking to breakfast we were talking about our friend J. He is a great guy, got a lot of things going for him, but he hasn't found that right person. We then started talking about all of our single friends and talking about how glad we were that we weren't where they are. Before I met my husband I can remember really struggling with being single. I was 25 when met met and I just felt like I would never move on to the next stage in my life. Really. Being single at a family gathering was almost like being infertile. When are you going to get married? Why haven't you found a guy yet?
Then today at a family gathering for Father's Day, my grandfather gets on my husband to get some great grandchildren going. What's so hard about that, is that I can see my grandfather excited because he thinks my husband is going to be a great father. And he remembers that my dad was born 9 months and 10 days after his own wedding. So there is no history of infertility problems in his mind.
So I am reminded that I would rather be happily married to a great man without children than single and not aware of all the bajillions of inferility terms that I now know in my head. And the heaviness I feel in my nether-regions thanks to the clomid.
Horray for marriage.

Friday, June 13, 2008

My story...

If you're reading this you may want to know more about me. I am 29 and have been married since new years eve '05. It was fabulous. We were on birth control for about 6 months before we decided we wanted to start our family. But you see, even at that point we weren't naive. Not because we had health issues, but because we had known a few people who had problems getting pregnant. So we figured we would pray about it and get started!
We didn't get pregant right away, but maybe that was just the birth control. In the fall, a coworker that I had talked with about getting pregnant and timing got pregnant. Once that happened she never asked me again about getting pregnant. I think she just felt bad or embarassed. Her son is now 12 months old. I'm still not pregnant.
But after a year of trying most months (but let's face it, that window wasn't hit each month) I decided to get tested. Each summer I have a physical and at that appointment I mentioned to my general physician (actually, the PA who is a woman and I'm much happier to have her to my paps) that we had been trying for over a year. She referred me that day to the RE and my husband for a SA. My husband went, all is fine. Counts are off the charts. On to me. I hemmed and hawed for a few months (thinking 'this can't really be about me, can it?!') and in October finally had the intake with the RE and the vag ultrasound. Everything looked normal sans the little bit of extra fluid which could be a sign of endo. They even saw a big follacle telling them that I was headed for ovulation. We decided to continue with testing (HSG and bloodwork) if this cycle failed - there was a perfectly good egg, why wait? When I didn't get pregnant, I figured it was the holiday's and I didn't want to worry about testing. If I'm not pregnant by Spring, than I'll do the testing.
So I put everything off and didn't get pregnant and finally my conscious got the best of me. In May I went for the HSG (thank you SQandSPJ for the information, they didn't even tell me to bring a pad!) and bloodwork. BW looked fine and normal. HSG showed my right ovary is partially blocked. The Dr. said that since I still have one fabulous ovary (thank you leftie) that I shouldn't worry. And that since I'm only 29 I'm so young... blah blah blah.
SO, he recommended clomid with ultrasound monitoring with a trigger shot for ovulation for a few months. But after reading up, I don't know why clomid will help when I appear to ovulate normally. But I am thrilled about the monitoring part. I feel like that is what is going to help. Do you think it could really only be bad timing? For this long? But if there's only one ovary getting an egg into the tubes... I think I'm grasping for straws.
But, at least we're doing something. Two years this month. Not what I expected.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Clomid this month

I just got off the phone with the RE's office. We're going to do clomid with timed intercourse for a few months. It's weird to have a very nice lady tell you when your husband's last ejaculation should be. It's weirder to know that I thought I'd be pregnant by now. I just don't think I'm over this part of it. I'm a strong believer in God and I really believe that He'll give me the desires of my heart. The hard thing is that I believe that my timing is not God's timing. I can even be objective (today) and say that because we didn't get pregnant right away we have been able to do a bunch of things. We have helped our church start a new Church plant and it's been awesome to be a part of things. If I had a newborn I wouldn't be able to help out like we have. We've taken students to Europe the last 4 spring breaks (that's when we got engaged, on the first trip) and each trip for me has been bittersweet. In October when I wasn't pregnant both years we decided, well, let's go to Europe. Because if I'm not pregnant now, that I could still travel over spring break... yadda yadda yadda. But I want a family.
I love my two dogs, they're awesome. But they're not kids. I don't want to treat them like kids. When I pet them in the morning when they jump on my bed I think, it would be cool if these were kids. So this month, clomid. My husband and I are going away for a short weekend vacation becuase next week begins football and thus goes our relationship (until a short break in August).Well, I'm going to go back to reading some other blogs for encouragement.
Here's to us.

1st post

I have been in the blogging world for a while. But now that I have been here as an infertile it is a completely different thing. Last month I was sure I was pregnant. But I posted a picture here of the proof that I am not. And I love my husband. But I wanted more support. I want to be apart of you guys.
Well truthfully I don't want to be apart of this. But since there isn't much I appear to be able to do about it, I want to share with you guys.
Here it is. The obligatory first post. I'm not pregnant.