Sunday, June 29, 2008

My Perspective is Laughing at me.

I can't figure out who tell that we're trying to get pregnant. On some level, I want to tell my friends so they can be supportive of us and I want to be 'real' with them. That involves me sharing personal stuff and asking them about the 'real' stuff in their lives. So when people that I care about ask me about the specifics of things in my life (not busy bodies, but real friends) I've been telling them about ttc. I've started making jokes (becuase I respond to problems with Humor) to bring levity to the situation and make other people comfortable.
But the truth is inferility is not comfortable.
I have a friend in my life who is old enough to be my mother. She had a hysterectomy at 27 and she and her husband chose to live their lives child free instead other options. I look at her and see how fulfilling her life is but I also see her emptiness. Maybe I wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't on this path, but I see it none-the-less. And I see smug-fertiles not understand why she chose to have her cat in her family pictures. And my heart breaks, largely because I am afraid of having fertile people looking at me as less than them because my body won't let me have children. It's an irrational fear. I know my friends love me and since my husband and I have only been married 2.5 years, people aren't hounding us yet about children. I just don't tell them we've been trying for two years already.
I suppose none of us get to chose the path we're on. And each family has it's problems. Be it infertility, or rebellious teenagers, or parents with Parkinson's. It's hard to forget that behind the veil of other happy families, there are 'real' things going on. At least my problems don't involve drugs (only the legal kind), debt (okay, that is probably coming), or illness (praying for morning sickness over here!)... wait, I think my perspective is laughing at me.

2 comments:

I Believe in Miracles said...

I too struggle with who to tell irl. I want to be real with my friends - but the reality of it is that I've only told a handful of people. Some of them ask and are supportive, others don't. You never know how people react to things they can't relate to. BUT that said, two friends have been extremely supportive and it's been amazing.

Enough rant. I love the illusion of the perspective laughing.

K said...

I skipped a party this weekend...it was going to be one where all my friends brought their babies, and I wanted to avoid the inevitable questions as I haven't told everyone my TTC story.

Do we need to find all new friends?