Saturday, May 30, 2009

Like the Pea Soup...

...George and Martha have Split.

And I don't mean the good kind, like lots of babies, I mean, they decided to make like a tree and leave.

Yesterday was quite a day.

Let me start with Thursday, I gave my blood, and they were supposed to call before noon. I told them to leave a message (more on that later). I woke up Friday morning about 20 times and thought no, I don't want to test yet. So I went to the bathroom around 4:00AM and did not test. I woke up with husband about 5:30 and I told him I almost tested and he was dissapointed that I hadn't. I didn't tell him I was going to, but I had to go to the bathroom again (just a little) and so I tested but then covered it up while I was in the shower. I talked myself through all the emotions and by the time I was done I thought for sure I was pregnent.
The EVIL test said: Not Pregnant.
(and what is kind of funny to me today, but what wasn't funny yesterday is that I picked up the test like it was a rat or a lizard and threw it in the trash like a hot potato while some sort of mild explative left my mouth...'What the Hell' I think it was).
So I told DH what I did and we both cried and prayed and held out for a miracle from the dr.'s office. No miracle.
But what really made me mad was that they didn't leave the results on the message. I thought I had asked them to but I guess they just thought that calling and telling me to call back was a good idea. No one wants to be in suspense! Next time (and yes, there will likely be a next time) I will be explicit in my request for the message to entail the results. Not in a mean way, I'm sure they just want the personal touch, but I don't and since I'm paying the big bucks on this one, I'm happy to put in my request.
So there you have it. I just couldn't bring myself to post yesterday. OH, but I learned something about myself. I'm going to give myself props here for a second (yeah, I'm bragging) because I went through and entire day of work without crying about it. I think I must be one of the best actors ever. No one had any clue. Maybe it was just the stress of the day and work was a relief to be distracted but I had 150 high schoolers that I didn't take my pain out on! I think I'm ready for broadway people.
Anyway, I know that I'm praying for God's will to be done, so I don't know why I get so mad when it's not exactly like my will, but geez. This is a hard lesson. There are a lot of emotions I'm sure I'll expand on later, but for right now, there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm currently in the acceptance phase. Anger and embarassement came yesterday.
Okay, this is too much of a downer for a Saturday morning and I'm too in love with my husband to start getting into the why's, I'm just looking forward to working on being knocked up this year.
Oh yeah, and I"m pretty sure white water rafting is in my future this summer now. I really like doing that and I think it'll be my consulation.


Ashley said...

I'm sorry honey! I wish I could take the pain away. ((HUGS))

Alex and Jill said...

I so know the feelings you are having. I was praying it would be your turn and I'm sorry that it wasn't. Praying for you guys, as you decide what's next.


Miss Mac said...

So, so sorry. I admire your strength to get through the school day. You should go on the trip! I wish you the best in planning the next steps.

Ben & Anne said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry. What horrible news. Did they say what they think may have gone wrong or is your follow up separate?
Very impressive work managing to get through a school day though, I doubt your job is easy at the best of times let alone when you are so sad just want to hide in bed. Take care of yourself.

Where's Baby? said...

I'm sorry.

Earl Gearl said...

I'm sorry Courtney. Try to keep the faith, though. God's plan is bigger than ours.

Flower said...

So sorry (((HUGS)))

Hope2morrow said...

Dang it! I'm super sorry but love your attitude about it all. Don't be afraid to let your emotions out through; they need a place to be vented.

We're here for you!

WantWait&Pray said...

I'm so sorry. I got my BFN after our second IVF failed last just sucks. I feel your pain...take the time you need to grieve.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

im so very sorry. :(

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry that you got such horrible news.

Anonymous said...

Here from LFCA. I'm really really sorry. My first IVF cycle finished with a negative hpt and negative beta two weeks ago tomorrow. I have been stunned by how hard it's been to recover. This has been much worse than any IUI cycle.

All that to say, take care of yourself, and take the time to heal. And don't be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you were expecting.