First Things First

Blogger and Blogspot have been blocked at work. Truthfully, this is probably a good thing. Except on some days when I felt anti-social at lunch, I would read a story from someone new. I suppose those days are over. So now I guess I'll be slightly more diligent on my teaching prep period, right?

Today I went for my follicle check. I'm on 50mg of Clomid. 50. that's the smallest dose my pharmacy doles out (unless you cut in half of course). I have 4 follicles. Excuse me, 4 follicles that I will likely ovulate. Um, there were an additional 3 that would continue growing if I didn't take the Hcg injection. Why aren't I pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT, lets think about this. The Nurse Practioner (who is amazing, Joan, you're amazing!) made a joke about doing IVF on clomid. I asked her if that is a serious possibility. She said sometimes the Dr. will do that. Wow. Would that save money or what?! Have you guys heard of that? Only using Clomid to get 5 or 6 follicles? Now, I'm sure I'm getting my hopes up, but can you imagine what my body could produce on 200mg of clomid? I'm certainly going to be researching that and I'm completely open to your thoughts and experiences.

Okay, I'm late for Bible Study but I wanted to make a post (since I can't do it tomorrow at work!).
Take care and good luck all of you in the terrible 2ww. This will be a great halloweeen for my DH if you get my drift...
Happy Halloween!

UCLA vs. CAL

Sorry I've been out of touch for a while, the husband and I took a long weekend to go visit some friends in nothern California and go see the UCLA/CAL game. It was good but UCLA lost big time.
So here's today's question for you ladies...
Have any of you become more of sporting fans because you married a man who was a sports fan? I'm not saying that you didn't like sports before, but have any of you made the transition of sports in your marriage? I always liked football, but now I honestly enjoy it. But I wonder if my husband lost interest, would I still follow it?
It's funny the things that we do because we're married.
On the other hand, I don't think my husband had been to see any musicals in a theatre before he met me, so I think things are pretty even.

Clomid Update:
I finished day five of clomid and have an ultrasound this Thursday to see how many follicles we will have this cycle.
I'm praying for a baby...for all of us!

Empty

Well, last Wednesday the light spotting started.
Yesterday the whole darn AF came a running in.
So once again, BFN.
But this month I feel... empty. I haven't been mad yet (I'm sure that will come) but I'm almost complacent because I'm starting to feel that maybe I'm never going to see a BFP, at least not without the DR's office. So I'm thankful for technology, but I'm feeling hollow inside. Dull. Like nothing I do will really ever end up with a baby.
I know this is unreasonable, and odds are good that all of us will end up with a baby either through adoption or medicine (I really believe that), but the journey of getting to that baby is almost too much to take sometimes.
So... That's me. Baby-less, and praying.
But man, when this kid finally comes, it better be cute. Or smart. Going through all of this for an ugly baby? Geez.

Just kidding of course. I thought this post needed some levity.

Waiting

This was a natural cycle for us this month. While we haven't quite decided about what to do down the road (thank you for all your great opinions everyone...it's a lot to process!) I know we're gonna do a few more months of clomid with timed intercourse hoping for the best. I might actualy try drinking green tea this month, trying to do what I can for the cervical mucus!

So I'm currently waiting for AF. It's possible we could be pregnant, but you guys know, getting your hopes up is just so frustrating. I'm doing everything I can think of to distract myself, but the end of each cycle is just so picking hard to be pessimistic! I just think constantly about when the baby would be due, would my husband and I still be able to do our Europe trip over spring break, could we keep it a secret until christmas... You ladies I think all know what I'm talking about.

So here I am.
Waiting for AF.

She should be here at the beginning of next week. But that will usually mean spotting a few days before.
Who would've thought going to the bathroom would become a dramatic event in our lives (well, past potty training that is).

Have a good weekend, and good luck to all of you starting cycles and waiting for good news!

Good Question

So I've been asked by a few of you why I would skip over IUI's and go straight to IVF.
My short answer is money. But of course, I'll give you the long answer. Ha.

Insurance will cover none of my IF. The problem is that my hospital (St. Joe.seph) is Catholic. I am not catholic. My Dr. is not catholic. But because the hospital that my RE works out of is catholic, almost no infertility issues are covered. So my insurance will only cover half of the initial diagnostics, and nothing now that the diagnosis is unexplained infertility. Even if I was able to have my RE write up a lap. as due to endo, because he's and Reproductive Endocrinologist, they will assume it's due to IF and not cover it. If I went somewhere else, they would only cover half of the procedure. That makes a 20,000 dollar procedure cost 10,000 smackers for my DH and I. What a deal, right?
So out with the lap.
Onto IUIs. Each IUI will be just under 2000 big ones. With success rates so low (around 20%) by the time I try IUI 3 times, I've just paid 6,000 bucks. So when I look at those numbers and the increase with IVF percentages (around 45%) it seems like a better idea is to go for IVF. I asked my DR this, and he said because everything seems to be working, IVF is actually a good solution because it takes most of the guessing out of getting pregnant. We know where the egg is, we know where the sperm are, etc. It wasn't his thought (going straight to IVF) it was mine. But he agreed that after 2.4 years of trying that IVF is a probably place to go.
IVF is going to cost about 16,000 greenbacks the first time and a frozen egg cycle is 2500 after that. I asked what if I didn't get pregnant after going through IVF and finishing all potential eggs I would freeze and the finance lady didn't have a figure, but she got a sad look on her face and said a second fresh cycle is highly discounted. I thought she seemed genuine.

I'm thinking I'll try a few more months of clomid with timed intercourse while waiting for summer, but as a teacher I feel like summer is my best chance. I can relax more, I will have an available schedule for all the office visits...
But seriously ladies, I don't know. Am I a moron to skip IUI's? I know some of you have gotten pregnant the first IUI's, but it feels like the blogs I'm reading haven't had much IUI luck (still around the 20 % mark).

Okay, is that enough rambling about money? I am so open to opinions that you guys don't even know!
Bring on the advice!

Decisions

So...
I don't think I've ever been this scared. Not the middle of the night scared, but scared of reality. It seems impossible to accept that my husband and I are infertile. Or that one of our challenges in life is dealing with IF. You would think I would've figured this out before now, but the truth is, I just keep thinking, maybe this is our month. I think, "what a great story we'll have to share with others about our journey... maybe someday we'll be a comfort to another family!".
So I have a hard time grasping that I'm the one who is in need of comfort. I must say, I can't imagine us going this alone. If I didn't have the wonderful experience of all of you ladies, and a few friends IRL that have been down this journey, I just don't know how I would be dealing.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to go into debt for this.
I'm scared not to go into debt for this.
I'm scared that IVF won't work.
I'm scared that skipping IUI's is a bad idea.
I'm more scared that skipping IUI's is a good idea.
I'm scared that my DH and I are the only ones making this decision. No one else's input matters (although it is always solicited). We are the responsible party.

So, for all of those of you who went through IVF, how invasive was it for you? In regards to everything. Time? Money? Relationship with DH? Relationship with other friends and family members?

I'm in the process of making decisions. And praying. Oh yes, lots of praying.
Thanks girls.

I held it together until I got to the car

And then I just cried.
The ugly crying too. I was almost glad my DH wasn't there to hear the sobs and sniffling.

You guys,
How does anyone afford all this crap!?
Really? 1,500 for an IUI?
Really? 20,000 for Laparascopy?
16,000 for one cycle of IVF (no, no money back if you don't get pregnant!)

I don't know who I'm most mad at:
Insurance? WHY ISN'T INFERTILITY COVERED! Do they think I want a Laparascopy because I'm bored? I just want random tests and scars? NO!
My Own body? How freaking hard is it to get pregnant?
Brad and Jennifer? For making people think that IVF is no big deal and easy?

I'm bouncing between super angry, and super sad. I just polished off a bag of chips (which is NEVER a good sign) and I'm worried I might bake cookies.

Tonight I'll have a long talk with the DH to of course get his input. but Crap. This is just not fair. As if I needed reminding that the world isn't fair.

DWTS

So I mentioned that last Tuesday I got to go see a taping of Dancing with the S*tars. It was really fun. I had signed up for tickets last spring

and forgotten all about it until last Saturday night when I checked my email and they said that I could bring 4 people (including myself) for this Tuesday (last week). It was really cool!

They didn't allow us to bring in cameras so I couldn't take any pictures, but Kim Karda*shian got voted off (I was pleased) and we saw Jessica Simpson perform. It was funny. The requirements are that you have to dress 'formal'. It's not casual at all. So the funny part was looking at what different types of people consider 'formal'. Let's just say the bedazzler was busy.

My favorite professional is Cheryl. I don't really care about the 'stars' this time. No one strikes my fance... okay, maybe Cory because he's such a fun kid.

We got to sit up front during Jessica's performance and the dance troop that they brought in for the week. It really was very fun and cool to see how little the stage actually is! They let the audience dance on it before filming began. So I danced the Cha Cha slide on the DWTS floor. I'm pretty proud of myself (in a really nerdy sort of way).

On to the next...

Besides all that, I'm heading to the RE's office today for my consultation appointment... Translation, the: "Why am I not pregnant, don't let me be one of your statistics that doesn't get pregnant, knock me up now!" talk. So far I have four questions for him, please suggest more if you have them:

1. How/when do you diagnose a Leuteal phase defect?

2. When do you recommend laproscopic surgery? What level of Endo? Do you think that might help in my situation?

3. Is there any more testing besides the HSG, S. analysis and CD3 bloodwork?

4. Are IUI's manditory before IVF?

I don't really know what to say. 2.4 years we've been trying and not even one positive preg. test but all looks normal.

I'll update you all when I get back. Hooray for leaving work early though. At least there is a small silver lining.

A Woman I Respect

There is this woman that I really respect. Her name is Lucy. Lucy is the most Godly woman I know. Lots of fun, but also has a very deep love for Christ.
Which is why it is so hard for me to take her comment.
She has two grown children, and they are both great kids. One has Multiple Scl*erosis but still lives a normal life. By no means are they perfect, but you get the picture. I really respect this woman.
She knows we're looking to get pregant and what a difficult journey this has been for us.
The other night, she was just talking, and said that she's really scared for the future generations of the world. She went on to say that she didn't know if it was right for people to bring new babies into the world, that if she hadn't had her kids already, she might not have her own children. She would just adopt.
I was really hurt by that comment. It's so easy for a fertile woman (although she herself had 3 miscarriages) to say flippantly, "I dont' know if I would've had biological children", because I don't know is she was ever faced with NOT being able to have her own children. And I don't have any problems with adoption or people not wanting to have their own children, but please, I'm working like a dog to have my own children that are half me and half my DH. I felt so belittled.
She realized what I must be thinking and then tried to back peddle around her comment, but I just felt terrible.
You guys, "I want a baby! Get in my Belly!" (That was supposed to be read outloud in a voice reminicent of fat bastard from Aust*in Powers).
Back to the grind I go.
Dr. Appointment next week. Still don't really know what to ask for.