28 days later, suckage.

About an hour after I wrote my last post I started spotting. Never a good sign. Now two days later, she's here... Aunt Flo. I can't say I'm shocked, but geez. What's a girl got to do to get knocked up around here?

So I called my RE, because this is our 3rd clomid cycle and we're supposed to sit down with the DR after three failed cycles. Unfortunately, the Dr is out of town until Sept. 11th. I want to be mad about that, but I suppose the man does deserve a vacation at some point. So fine. So since He's not even available until Oct. 2nd, (he only does consultations 2 days a week) I'm going to polish off a 4th clomid cycle.

I just feel like crying. It's almost not even about the baby anymore. It's about how stinking hard it is to get pregnant. For the consultation on Oct. 2nd I'm going to have to take time off from work. My husband won't be able to come because he's got football games on Thursdays (he's the head coach, he can't just put someone else in charge, and I knew this when I married him =) ). I'm just so upset that it has to be this way. The day you get your period is the worst. Mostly I think because you have to wait 27 days to be hopeful the next one might work.
The nurse at the Dr's office said I have to be patient. She said, if not this month, than maybe my name is on the list for a baby next month. I'm going to go fax that order in right now.

BUT, because I want to be positive. This is the last month (I think) that it would have been inconvienent (ha) to be pregnant with the insurance change over from my previous school district. Meaning I'm on my way to the benefits office to sign up for disability and income protection. Althought FMLA doesn't kick in until you've worked somwhere for 12 months. So I suppose After Christmas time would be the best time to get pregnant. But really, I'll take the inconvience now please!

Normal?

As the 2ww is coming to an end, I just find that I'm so torn about what to think. I feel there is no normal anymore. I don't even know what a 'normal' period feels like. All the symptoms, all the imaginary symptoms, it's just too tough to tell. This Thursday is 14dpo, so I guess if no af by then I'll test, but I'm just so used to those stupid things coming up negative I don't even want to buy one!
As a side note. I haven't ever read anything about jon and ka*te plus eight on these blogs. The show is so interesting. I found their website through TLC and learned some things I thought were interesting (but maybe you all know this stuff).
1. Kate suffered from pcos.
2. They got pregnant both times through IUI's
3. On the cycle she got pregnant with 7 (one never developed), she was told she had 3, maybe 4 mature follicles (which is the exact same number that I've had the last two cycles).

When it comes to IF, there is no 'normal'.

What to do during the 2ww...

Usually I'm pretty good about not worrying for the first week of the 2ww.But now I'm thinking again about my own self. 4 follicles. Some well timed Bd-ing. What's the deal! I've still got another week or so.
So now, what to do? I know some of you have some awesome lists of things to do during the 2ww. I'm going to go revisit those.
Praying for a baby here... Good luck no matter where you are in your cycles! Let's get some babies!

My Big Mouth

Now that I've opened up to people about infertility, I feel like I can't shut up! Yesterday we went to Dis*neyland with some friends from church. I'll call them the 'L' family. They have four kids ages 16 to 9. They all like each other. Seriously. It's the type of family that you want to emmulate without being creepy. How do you get a family to like each other so much!? Now, they're not perfect, no. The 16 year old is mean to the 7th grader, etc. I just felt like I had to askabout how they rasied such neat kids, and then of course, the conversation went to infertility.
I have to say, it's not as scary as I thought.
We talked about where we're at with treatment, where we want to be, and possibilities in the future. So far I haven't felt any reprecussions of sharing with trusted friends at church. And it is so freeing to talk about it.
So now you all want to know, what are the 'L' family secrects to raising good kids? Hug them and spank them as much as possible until they're five. That is of course my summary, but it lends a good question, what do you guys think about spanking? I'll leave my opinion out of this for now, just curious here.
Thoughts?

End of Summer

Good Morning All!
As a teacher this is my last week of freedom before going back to teacher meetings. Even tomorrow is my first 'new teacher' meeting. Since I'm moving to a new district I have to be 'new' all over agian. How un-fun is that?
But, that meant that I got to have an early morning ultra-sound yesterday to check my follicles instead of the ususal after school rush. My DH even got to come.
We have this month: 4 follicles. Yup. On a measly 50 mg of clomid I made four follicles. Now, I'm not complaining because I know how awesome it is to ovulate regularly, but again, then what is the deal? If I'm so blessed to ovulate so well, why is my body like, "No. No baby for you." (that should be read with a russian accent)
I asked the ultrasound tech what she thought about my spotting for 5 days before my period last month and she said, "well, that doesn't sound normal. Maybe you were preganant but it didn't take".
Someone should tell her not speculate about stuff like that. makes a girl sad.
She also said that the next step for people like us is usually in-vitro.
WHAT!?
She should think about not volunteering so much. Needless to say, after this 3rd try on clomid with timed intercourse we'll have a good ol' sit down with the Dr. I'm not worried yet, but seriously, I think I like the other ultrasound tech.
For those of you who did IUI's, what was the average cost? Did your insurance cover it?

Clomid Round 3

So after a great week of camping I'm home. It was lovely to visit Lake Arr*owhead and Big Be*ar and even lake Gre*gory. It was a fun time with the DH and friends. It was fun to sit around at night and play card games. At home the TV is always on (even if I'm not watching it) so I guess I should be surprised that I didn't miss the TV at all. Although right now I'm watching olympic soccer, so I'll probably watch a little too much tv the next few weeks!
Anywho,
I took my 5 days of clomid while on vacation, and each cycle on clomid, I feel my ovaries. Isn't that weird? For all of you ladies who took this pill, I've read about some side effects. But for me the biggest is that I have no trouble locating my ovaries. They are full. I know this is a good thing, that they're building eggs (hopefully!) but I still have trouble thinking through last cycle. At least 3 eggs. What is stopping this from working? I wonder if my Luteal phase is irregular. Is there bloodwork a dr. can do to see if all is working correctly during the second part of my cycle? For initial testing I only had CD 3 bloodwork. Everything looked normal.
But I think that is what is so frustrating right now. Everything looks normal! But people, it has been 2 years! Boo! Something is obviously not normal...
If this cycle doesn't work we're due for a sit down with the RE to see what he suggests next.
I suggest a baby.
Seriously.
And oh yeah, We took some money from our 'baby fund' (meaning IVF if needed or actual baby stuff if needed) to buy a patio table. I have a feeling that money may not last very long! The table was a great deal though. I love great deals.

I don't think I mentioned it

But this cycle is over. I am feeling okay about this because I've had so much time to adjust to another loser no baby cycle that I'm no longer in the frustrated time zone.
Here's what happened. I was up north visiting my grandparents. Last Wednesday was 14dpo. So on Monday (12dpo) I started spotting this weird orange/pink color (sorry if this is TMI, but please we talk about bd-ing and cooter cams, so I figure we're safe). I figured the cycle was over. Spotting is never good.
But then AF didn't come. People, I spotted until Friday! I took to hpt and they were both negative. But still, AF didn't come. So then I finally broke down and called the RE's office to ask about what I should do. At that point I was 16 dpo without AF. She said if my period didn't come by monday to call back. Which I agreed with, but 5 days is rediculus.
So Friday Afternoon, AF came.
I'm bummed, but I was really more bummed earlier in the week at my grandparents when I was away from the computer. So you guys get the not so upset version. I'll call to refill my clomid, and we'll go one more month before we talk to the Dr. again.
That's this cycle.

Second topic...
How dumb do I feel when I call the RE's office. I call and Beth, the awesome nurse/office manager picks up. I say, "hi, this is courtney, and I'm a patient of Dr. D. I'm on clomid and my period came today...etc.". I just feel like this poor woman now knows all about my special no-no place and all the action I'm getting. I guess that for so much of a women's life, we don't talk about getting our periods and AF, and all the womanly wonderment that comes with Eve giving Adam the apple, and so on and so forth. It's wierd to let that be the first thing you tell someone on the phone.
She's great about it and is incredibly professional, but I have the hardest time not feeling a little dumb. Am I alone? How do you all start conversations with the nurses or office managers?

Oh, and I'm going camping this week again. As a teacher, this year I only got 3 weeks of vacation and you can say my DH and I are using every moment. We'll be home Friday, just in time to watch the opening ceremonies. I love the olympics!

Good luck to all of you wherever you're at in your cycles. It's gonna happen. It just is.