God's word says that there is nothing to fear that is bigger than God. Even though our enemies (in this case, my brain is the enemy) want to 'eat our flesh' that God is with us and there is nothing to fear.
I am afraid to move forward with IVF.
I'm also afraid NOT to move forward with IVF.
Why am I afraid? I'll make a list:
Money
What if I don't get my job back after this year and now we have a kid and baby debt without a job
Not having enough money
All of the time it takes to go through this IVF process - will my job and DH's job be forgiving?
Why take the risk?
God said that if I follow Him and delight myself in Him that He will give me the desires of my heart. I believe I am following and delighting in Him, and I still have a deep urge to be a mother.
Therefore:
IVF here we come. Location TBA, womb for sale.
Did any of you brave ladies have fear about making that first phone call? I'm thinking tomorrow. I'm also waiting for my tax return. Let's get that baby wheel turning?
* questions: how long did it take from first phone call to actually get through the IVF process? Meaning, once you and your doc decided to go for IVF, did you have lots of meetings and did that take time, or did you go through all of this quickly? Any info you lovely ladies had would be wonderful.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
What to Say?
Not much new to report. Today I found a little spot on some TP but I'm not due for AF for another week.
A friend announced on Fac.ebook that she's pregnant with #2. I am happy for her. But I'm also sad. Just sad because we've been trying almost 3 years and I envy the ability to announce to the world that your pregnant at just 5 weeks. I suppose I just envy being able to announce your pregnant. BUT, I will say that I am holding it together, and I really do believe that God has a plan for my family. It's definately not my plan, but when I think about switching lives with someone who has an easy time getting pregnant, I don't really want to. I have an amazing DH, and great job, and a host of friends that are praying for my future family.
I want it now of course, but I also know that when I get pregnant, I'm just going to want something else. I'll probably want someone to take the baby for a few months!
So... That's me. I'm still thinking and planning for IVF as soon as the tax refund comes through and when my work schedule allows. Let's get this baby making show on the road!
Oh, and big time congratulations to Jill at the Averitt Family and Shelby at The Great Big IF on their recent pregnancies! I feel like so many of you guys are getting BFP's, that it gives this girl more of a reason to hope.
Continuing to hope for 'Knocked up '09!'
A friend announced on Fac.ebook that she's pregnant with #2. I am happy for her. But I'm also sad. Just sad because we've been trying almost 3 years and I envy the ability to announce to the world that your pregnant at just 5 weeks. I suppose I just envy being able to announce your pregnant. BUT, I will say that I am holding it together, and I really do believe that God has a plan for my family. It's definately not my plan, but when I think about switching lives with someone who has an easy time getting pregnant, I don't really want to. I have an amazing DH, and great job, and a host of friends that are praying for my future family.
I want it now of course, but I also know that when I get pregnant, I'm just going to want something else. I'll probably want someone to take the baby for a few months!
So... That's me. I'm still thinking and planning for IVF as soon as the tax refund comes through and when my work schedule allows. Let's get this baby making show on the road!
Oh, and big time congratulations to Jill at the Averitt Family and Shelby at The Great Big IF on their recent pregnancies! I feel like so many of you guys are getting BFP's, that it gives this girl more of a reason to hope.
Continuing to hope for 'Knocked up '09!'
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Encouraged
Ladies, I just have to say thank you. All of your encouraging comments (and info about bding!) was really helpful.
I have some good news about my job...
It looks like I am guaranteed a 60% teaching contract. This means that right now I teach 5 period and have 1 prep period. But next year I will likely teach 3 periods and have part of a prep period. This is amazing news. It's great because here in CA we're so screwed up with our budget that I'm thankful to have a job at all. I even looked at the Disneyland website to see how much they pay (somewhere around 10 bucks an hour if you're interested) and I found that teaching even 40% is still more than anything full time at Disneyland or Starbucks, or basically any retail.
So I am thrilled. The district can still increase my contract if they end up needing me to teach a full day, but they can't cut me less than 60%.
SO, there is hope for IVF. DH and I still have to sit and think and pray about timing and what is right, but I'm feeling really hopeful. I also think skipping hte IUI this month was good because we inadvertantly saved 800 bucks that we would've used and now we can put that towards IVF.
So, when decisions are made I'll keep you posted, but until then, I'm just thrilled with the job situation, and hey, Glory to God when life is good and Glory to God when life is tough.
Take care ladies and have a great week!
I have some good news about my job...
It looks like I am guaranteed a 60% teaching contract. This means that right now I teach 5 period and have 1 prep period. But next year I will likely teach 3 periods and have part of a prep period. This is amazing news. It's great because here in CA we're so screwed up with our budget that I'm thankful to have a job at all. I even looked at the Disneyland website to see how much they pay (somewhere around 10 bucks an hour if you're interested) and I found that teaching even 40% is still more than anything full time at Disneyland or Starbucks, or basically any retail.
So I am thrilled. The district can still increase my contract if they end up needing me to teach a full day, but they can't cut me less than 60%.
SO, there is hope for IVF. DH and I still have to sit and think and pray about timing and what is right, but I'm feeling really hopeful. I also think skipping hte IUI this month was good because we inadvertantly saved 800 bucks that we would've used and now we can put that towards IVF.
So, when decisions are made I'll keep you posted, but until then, I'm just thrilled with the job situation, and hey, Glory to God when life is good and Glory to God when life is tough.
Take care ladies and have a great week!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A lot
Realistic.
AF came swooping in and dashing hopes on Tuesday.
You guys, this was a tough cycle for me. I had hoped. I had thought that since there is so much turmoil going on with my job right now that this was God's way of ensuring that His timing was more perfect than me trying for almost 3 years. I thought this would mean that if I was pregnant this month that I could lose my job (or be forced to go part time) and this would be the reason why.
So then Naturally I got stuck on , "why!?". This is a REALLY bad place to be stuck. I was there for about 3 nights. Not the bitter stuck where I can't deal with life, but the sad stuck where I was left wondering what the plan God has could possibly be. I cried for 3 nights in a row, which is kind of unusual for me. Now yes, I am a crier. Put Steel Magnolia's on and let's see everyone "hit Weezer" and I'm gone. But I generally can pick myself off and dust my shoes off and move forward. This month was harder.
That's why I didn't post for a few days.
Now, I am going to say that I'm through the dark valley and headed to the mountain top (all of which of course happens over a 26-28 day time period each month, the lows and the highs) but I was left trying to decide what our reproductive options should be this month.
Option A: Another IUI cycle
Pros: being agressive about having future baby. Increased hope.
Cons: 800 dollars to be spent at a time when money should be saved for mortage in the fall if I don't have a job or am forced to substitute for reduced pay.
Option B: Another Timed intercourse cycle
Pros: Only 200 smackers
Cons: Feeling that it's not enough and should save the money for the big hitters at a later date.
And then there is the timing. It was really hard to schedule the IUI. I tried for 3 days in a row to get a hold of the right DR's office where my chart was and the scheduling would be an ultrasound next Sunday morning. Now I do play in the band at church, and while I would gladly give that or many other things up, I just didn't get a good feeling about skipping church to do an ultrasound. I didn't feel like sharing with people why I twouldn't be there, and mostly I just felt that through all of this I want to be honoring to God, and celebrating with believers is where I should be. This may be controversial, and I'm okay with that. I really did deliberate about this choice and finally deciding yesterday that I was trying to cram in too much felt good.
So. This month we are trying on our own (again) and I'm still waiting to hear if we have jobs in the fall. To remind: If my DH and I both have our full-time teaching jobs back in the fall we will (Lord willing of course) be doing an IVF cycle during the summer. The good news is I found out yesterday that I got a summer school position so this means that instead of having to save for two months of summer I get to save for only one. So ... I can't even begin to start making any reproductive plans, but I am going to be getting busy with the DH next week.
What's funny, is last Sunday our pastor talked about Sex (in church of course) and he challeneged all the married couples to have sex for 7 days in a row. Being that AF showed up we decided to put this off. And even in our BDing escapades we've never done that. I'm going to be bold here and ask you guys, when trying on your own (if you feel like sharing) what is the most about of BDing you have done in a row? I'll start by saying my dr recommended every other day, so our record for BDing purposes is only 3. Do any of you subscribe to the method that you just have to do it every day for a month?
Curious.
Enjoy the rest of your weekends ladies.
AF came swooping in and dashing hopes on Tuesday.
You guys, this was a tough cycle for me. I had hoped. I had thought that since there is so much turmoil going on with my job right now that this was God's way of ensuring that His timing was more perfect than me trying for almost 3 years. I thought this would mean that if I was pregnant this month that I could lose my job (or be forced to go part time) and this would be the reason why.
So then Naturally I got stuck on , "why!?". This is a REALLY bad place to be stuck. I was there for about 3 nights. Not the bitter stuck where I can't deal with life, but the sad stuck where I was left wondering what the plan God has could possibly be. I cried for 3 nights in a row, which is kind of unusual for me. Now yes, I am a crier. Put Steel Magnolia's on and let's see everyone "hit Weezer" and I'm gone. But I generally can pick myself off and dust my shoes off and move forward. This month was harder.
That's why I didn't post for a few days.
Now, I am going to say that I'm through the dark valley and headed to the mountain top (all of which of course happens over a 26-28 day time period each month, the lows and the highs) but I was left trying to decide what our reproductive options should be this month.
Option A: Another IUI cycle
Pros: being agressive about having future baby. Increased hope.
Cons: 800 dollars to be spent at a time when money should be saved for mortage in the fall if I don't have a job or am forced to substitute for reduced pay.
Option B: Another Timed intercourse cycle
Pros: Only 200 smackers
Cons: Feeling that it's not enough and should save the money for the big hitters at a later date.
And then there is the timing. It was really hard to schedule the IUI. I tried for 3 days in a row to get a hold of the right DR's office where my chart was and the scheduling would be an ultrasound next Sunday morning. Now I do play in the band at church, and while I would gladly give that or many other things up, I just didn't get a good feeling about skipping church to do an ultrasound. I didn't feel like sharing with people why I twouldn't be there, and mostly I just felt that through all of this I want to be honoring to God, and celebrating with believers is where I should be. This may be controversial, and I'm okay with that. I really did deliberate about this choice and finally deciding yesterday that I was trying to cram in too much felt good.
So. This month we are trying on our own (again) and I'm still waiting to hear if we have jobs in the fall. To remind: If my DH and I both have our full-time teaching jobs back in the fall we will (Lord willing of course) be doing an IVF cycle during the summer. The good news is I found out yesterday that I got a summer school position so this means that instead of having to save for two months of summer I get to save for only one. So ... I can't even begin to start making any reproductive plans, but I am going to be getting busy with the DH next week.
What's funny, is last Sunday our pastor talked about Sex (in church of course) and he challeneged all the married couples to have sex for 7 days in a row. Being that AF showed up we decided to put this off. And even in our BDing escapades we've never done that. I'm going to be bold here and ask you guys, when trying on your own (if you feel like sharing) what is the most about of BDing you have done in a row? I'll start by saying my dr recommended every other day, so our record for BDing purposes is only 3. Do any of you subscribe to the method that you just have to do it every day for a month?
Curious.
Enjoy the rest of your weekends ladies.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Both Hopeful and Realistic
This was the answer I was going to give at Target today.
You see, I purchased both pregn.ancy tests and tampons.
I was waiting for the checker to notice and say, "are you pregnant or on your period?" (which she didn't say, lest you be confounded), and in my mind I was going to say back, "I am both hopeful and realistic".
I took a test (today is CD 26, I didn't check ovulation this month). It was a stark white as ever. Yet, until AF shows up, I'm going to find a way to be hopeful. I'm staring at a negative pregnancy test and I'm still hopeful.
Gosh, this IF stuff just blows.
And, to add insult to injury, I think this month we are cancelling the IUI we were going to do. It's going to be 800 out of pocket and our dental insurance is maxed out and tomorrow my DH is getting a 930 dollar crown put on. This means that until I know if I get my job back I think we may have to put off our IVF and IUI plan.
Deep Sigh.
I know God has a plan. I think it's going to be exciting. But right now, I'm wishing for the mundane. I'm hoping for a baby and a job. But if this is what God has to do for me to draw near to Him, than Blessed Be the Name of the Lord.
You see, I purchased both pregn.ancy tests and tampons.
I was waiting for the checker to notice and say, "are you pregnant or on your period?" (which she didn't say, lest you be confounded), and in my mind I was going to say back, "I am both hopeful and realistic".
I took a test (today is CD 26, I didn't check ovulation this month). It was a stark white as ever. Yet, until AF shows up, I'm going to find a way to be hopeful. I'm staring at a negative pregnancy test and I'm still hopeful.
Gosh, this IF stuff just blows.
And, to add insult to injury, I think this month we are cancelling the IUI we were going to do. It's going to be 800 out of pocket and our dental insurance is maxed out and tomorrow my DH is getting a 930 dollar crown put on. This means that until I know if I get my job back I think we may have to put off our IVF and IUI plan.
Deep Sigh.
I know God has a plan. I think it's going to be exciting. But right now, I'm wishing for the mundane. I'm hoping for a baby and a job. But if this is what God has to do for me to draw near to Him, than Blessed Be the Name of the Lord.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)